Coder's Compass

Corrections

2006-12-29T08:28:00.000+08:00

I realized I cannot live without a personal blog so I made a new one at elmerandes.wordpress.com.

Blogger has become to slow for me and I need to have a single blog manager for all my blogs.

Please point your readers there.

Thanks!

He wants us to get on with it

2006-12-27T10:23:00.000+08:00

Grish and I decided to pull in the wedding schedule since we (sort of) agreed to cut-down expenses, which would technically spare us a few months' worth of savings. So from November 8, we moved it to September 8, 2007 - the first year anniversary of our engagement.

We have been working with the Nov 8 date for quite some time now, although we never really reserved that date in the UP chapel. For some reason, we were able to secure reservations first with the reception venue (Balay Kalinaw) and the photographer (Pat Dy). But for the single most important thing (the church), we haven't been able to tick that off our checklist.

Something happened (which I don't have the heart to share yet) that prompted us to make do with a (first time I heard from Grish) nuclear wedding (must be more explosive than before!). Fewer people, fewer guests, and thus fewer mouths to feed. ;) Simple, quick, and intimate. We decided to go for the next significant "8" day - September 8.

We should not have gotten September 8. It was (again, terms I learned from Grish), a Catholic "day of obligation" as it was Mother Mary's birthday. People are expected to go to mass, and, for the devout couples, would be a perfect day to get married. So it was that when we knocked on the glass pane window counter of the parish office, I wasn't really expecting that the date would be free - although I was crossing my fingers and toes. As the clerk paged through the reservation logbook for July, then August, the improbability of it all prompted me to think, "Lord, if you really favor this marriage, you'd give us this date." I'm not one for signs or for challenging the divine - but I guess I got careless.

The logbook page for September 8 was clean - no inkblots, no erasures. We were the first to sign in on that date. It's corny, but right then I *knew*, with a feeling far stronger than when we decided November 8. He wants us together. And He will bless the union in THIS church.

Grish was equally suprised and ecstatic. She took a picture of the clerk as she was writing our names on the logbook. "I-b-blog namin", she explained.

She didn't get it, and her boss went out of the room to escape from the picture-taking. But she went along with it and continued scribbling our names.

...
It turned out that Balay Kalinaw has a scheduled event at September 8. But it's okay.

...
We used Grish's phone to take the pic. I haven't gotten a copy yet.

All things must end

2006-12-21T17:38:00.000+08:00

After more than two years in Blogger, I decided to take the compass down and just randomly sail the seas. (Yuck.)

I realized it would be more productive to continue with the vision I had for ogretech. So I decided to minimize this blog - it will still be up, but I doubt that I'll keep this updated. Efforts will now be focused on blog entries that can hopefully be of help to other people. Which hopefully can be a seed to professional blogging.

Personal concerns, hangups, complaints, and happy thoughts would be best shared with my wife-to-be. (naks.)

Anyway, it's been great guys. Thanks for reading!

(Jumping ship to http://ogretech.wordpress.com)

Sour cream for breakfast

2006-12-08T09:48:00.000+08:00

I'm already (more or less) satisfied with my work, it's potentials, and the future it may bring for my career. But when I hear stories of people (friends of friends, previous coworkers) who got hired by game companies and/or are making their mark in the games industry, I still get jealous.

It's that kind of jealousy and repressed envy that sours your gut.

That should probably tell me something.

Always a sucker for DOS games

2006-12-04T07:23:00.000+08:00

A way back, I got a copy of a pilot strategy guide for Falcon 3.0 from a discount bookstore. Falcon 3.0 is an old DOS flight simulator - the most celebrated one because of it's accuracy and graphics (at the time). I played a few sorties on it way back in college and I just HAD to buy the book.

While browsing it, it took only one look for me to realize that they don't make games like they used to. I would bet that the guide is no different than the actual F-16 manual, filled with charts and diagrams to fill my geek heart's content. What other game and genre can make you study and execute moves like this???

It was clearly made at a time when hard-core simulation was also the stuff of PC games. (Why the sim genre has died was probably Doom's fault.)

Anyway, I walked in that same bookstore again and found these two babies:

To the uninitiated, Wing Commander ushered the era of space sims, while Dark Forces was Lucasarts' first foray into first-person shooters.

As a bonus, at the end of the books, there are developer and producer interviews. It's amazing to read how the programmers from Lucasarts had to build their own (and pretty good) FPS engine from scratch without having to rely on the Doom engine, which was the norm at that time. This proves that as long as you know the fundamental concepts, you never really need to license a 3rd party engine - well, during that time anyway.

I actually haven't bought the books yet - they cost 300 bucks a piece. But these treasures have been sitting there for months and I bet will still be there when I get back. :)

Hamster boy

2006-11-30T08:28:00.000+08:00

If you hang around artists too much, you'll start to believe you're one too. :)

(Thanks to Cherry for this pic.)

Optimum happiness

2006-11-30T08:04:00.000+08:00

I got this from Toy Kingdom (through this, they redeemed themselves from their overpriced Wii) for a measly 100 pesos.

Yay China-made action figures!!!

It transforms, mind you. I'm thinking of getting the classic Prime figure as well.

It's not my fault

2006-11-28T22:09:00.000+08:00

I just discovered that I have to do a major re-code of the module I was assigned to work on. It turns out my process is quite out of sync with the user specifications since I followed what was specified in the server integration specifications. Both specifications agree on the requirement, but differ very hugely on interpretation and implementation.

As a programmer, my initial instinct is to follow the process specified in the server integration specifications since that is the whole point of that part of the process - to make sure that client and server works well together. This means processes and protocols agreed upon should be done as SPECIFIED.

I realize the server specifications care more for optimization and minimizing the expensive calls between server and client. So it did not care for whatever makes sense for the user. On the other hand, what the user specifications imply sounds sensible enough.

I am now forced to choose between two differing opinions and interpretations. As fate would have it, the User wins and to hell with extra calls. Which means I have to do a lot of changes.

Just when I was feeling down about the quality of my work (bugs come in every day), I discover the whole darn thing is FLAWED AT THE MOST FUNDAMENTAL LEVEL.

Is this what I can expect in the coming months? Years? Is this the result of cross-continental server-client development?

Que sera sera

2006-11-22T07:17:00.000+08:00

Grish told me a couple of days ago that she went through my blog starting from my early posts in 2004. That's 2 years worth of blog entries which she said were mostly angst. I told her that's the way it's supposed to be since I don't get to vent and rant anywhere else except here. I don't even know why people still bother reading it. :)

With Buddy's comments on some of my entries (Buddy, I don't know why your opinion matters to me, but somehow, they do. :) ) and after going through the whole thing myself, I know that my reason of "just having somewhere to vent" is just an excuse. Somewhere inside (yuck.) I know I've imploded into this melancholy state, and my blog is a clear indication of how I view the world and everything that happens to me. Well, I know it'll be hard but I'd like to start changing that.

When I was in college, my buddies and I would sing "Que sera sera" whenever we wait for our grades. "Will it be kwatro, will it be singko....", it feels great to let it all go.

Some other lessons I learned in college:

- Throw caution to the wind and to hell with it.
- Life sometimes is like pissing against the wind.

...whatever will be, will be. The future's not ours to see...

Perl vs. .NET....

2006-11-10T07:35:00.000+08:00

...always begs the eternal programmer dilemma of working for personal gratification, potential and maximum contribution VS. cog-in-the-machine-but-big-bucks. (I tried learning Perl for a while. George told me it was useless but I always had a thing for obscure, CLI-based programming. I know he's right - he always is. ;) But then, ROME happened.)

If you're struggling with this question, click here and check out the comments : http://ask.slashdot.org/askslashdot/06/11/09/0024219.shtml

I liked this comment best:

by oakbox (414095) on Thursday November 09, @06:41AM (#16782849)
I have worked for large corporations (22,000 employee bank) and very small companies (12 people) and my personal preference is to work with small groups of people who are fired up by interests similar to mine and who are good fits personality-wise.
The big company was more financially secure, carried more prestige, and offered great and solid retirement options. On the other side, it was next to impossible to affect change, my contributions (while recognized in the form of raises and titles) didn't really make a big difference to the overall picture. Even coming up with a system that saved 1.2 million a year in expenses warranted only an 'attaboy'. Because, in a company controlling 60 billion in assets, 1.2 million isn't really that big a deal!
The small company offered much more freedom, personal responsibility, and allowed me to make a direct and substantial impact on the bottom line of the whole company. I was in direct communication with the owner of the company, not to a manager with a senior manager with an executive with an executive vp to the CEO.

Best advice: Play to your strengths and go with work that motivates you. You will spend about 60% of your life at work. You should spend that time doing things that motivate, inspire, and energize you.

But this one simply made my day:

by $RANDOMLUSER (804576) on Thursday November 09, @06:44AM (#16782871)
[ ] Perl
[ ] .NET

[x] Death by ooga booga

Bubble Bursters

2006-11-07T08:18:00.001+08:00

The first time I encountered a Bubble Burster, I couldn't believe that such a person existed. It was a learning experience.

Bubble Bursters are people who shoot down any idea you have. You tend to share a lot with these people because they usually are easy to talk to and are kinda cool to hang out with. You'd think you're friends with them. But get to know these people a little bit longer and you'll realize that these people hang out with you in return because they just want somebody to listen to them. No, not really listen, but just be an audience and watch them bless the world with their unique personality.

For Bubble Bursters, their opinion is always the one that makes the most sense. If you try to share something with these people, they'll spend a few minutes feigning listening, but afterwards they trample on you and your idea. Some people, when they disagree, they would just probably shake their head and let you know that "they" think the idea is not OK. Most would even grant a, "Ah talaga? OK ba yun? Parang hindi e". BBs on the other hand, would say, "Tangina ang panget! Anukaba?? Why would you do that, you moron? You're such an idiot!"

I understand if people disagree with my ideas, but BBs -- I dunno. They make you feel lower than the fungus living under the bubble gum under your sneaker.

My theory is that BBs stay around people for "reflection". They live for knowing how other people would react to what they're saying, and to impose their "superior intellect". They're not in it for genuine sharing - sharing of thoughts, ideas, opinions, company. If they cannot convince you that they're right, they bring out the Trample card.

Arrogant bastards. Thanks for the lesson.

(I had a bad morning.)

I must be growing old

2006-10-25T08:59:00.000+08:00

It's been a while since I picked up a copy of the local FHM. FHM Philippines, to me, has become too sleazy for my taste. For comparison, I bought FHM Singapore while I was in...Singapore...just to compare and I found it better.

Yesterday, I saw the latest issue (75th issue celebration?) and coupled with the local Men's Health - the US version of which I think is great - I figured, what the hell, right? It's Francine on the cover anyway.

As I flipped through the last page, I ended up feeling disgusted. Now it seems that the magazine is posting cleavages, naked butts and provocative pics of people who would beg FHM to print their pics taken from their phone cams. Most alarming is one section with Chester's art on it. No offense to the master as the art was really hot - but the premise of it all disturbed me. This section was offering tips to high school students on how to seduce, and eventually, get laid.

For God sakes.

Sure, getting laid in high school probably happens to most people. Sure I did some of those things back in my day. But to ENCOURAGE it?? I think FHM should care to exercise more responsibility, as their mag can be picked up by anyone of any age.

Now I understand

2006-10-20T07:20:00.000+08:00

Around 6 months ago, as I was still learning the ropes here in Colibria and doing a lot of code reading, I did a lot of (guess what) complaining.

I complained about huge chunks of unused, commented code.

I complained about the performance.

I complained about why things were done this way rather than that way.

I complained of the lack of documentation. (Isn't there any other way to learn this other than reading code?)

Now, 6 months later and smack dab in the middle of everything, I understand.

My work has huge chunks of unused, commented code.

My work is slow and most of the times buggy.

I did not find the time to really think of elegant solutions but just attack a problem with brute force. I did things in a certain way although I know they could be better.

What documentation?

...

Being team lead is an exercise in humility. I sincerely apologize to the people whose work I directly or indirectly scrutinized and complained about.

Still more of London

2006-10-09T02:17:00.000+08:00

Victoria and Albert Museum
Westminster Abbey
The original Hard Rock Cafe
Harrod's!
Another view of the Parliament

More of London

2006-10-09T02:11:00.000+08:00

The dragon of Westminster marks the border of Westminster and London (I think.)
A view of the Tower Bridge and the HMS Belfast - a WW2 battleship now turned into a museum.
Tower Bridge up close
The Tower Dungeon is now converted to a modern house of horrors.
Approaching Tower Bridge. (Kuya, bawal daw tumayo sa upper deck. Pasaway ka.)

The Big Bus Company London Sightseeing Bus Tour

2006-10-09T02:04:00.000+08:00

Living the dream, baby! Big Ben in the flesh at last.
St. Paul's cathedral.
London Eye.
The Thames.
Another view of Big Ben and the Parliament.

Colibria HQ! (Part 2)

2006-10-04T14:06:00.000+08:00

Need to know who's already in the office? The ga-yent PC client in the reception will show you!
My home in the Oslo office.
The QA office. On the left is Turid's desk. The light automatically opens when you enter the room.

Colibria HQ!

2006-10-03T18:55:00.000+08:00

View from outside.
Hallway. Of one wing.
Lobby.
Parking area.
Entrance and one wing.

Oslo: Close to the Hotel, Waterfront, Parliament Building

2006-10-03T14:44:00.000+08:00

Crossing fingers and toes

2006-09-22T07:57:00.000+08:00

My entry to this year's IMG Awards.

RIP it good

2006-09-21T08:21:00.000+08:00

Last night, Grish, Nathan and I were having a nice dinner at Pho-Hoa. It became a sort of unspoken routine for Grish and I that when one of us has a cold, he/she deserves a whopping helping of Pho-Hoa's seafood noodle or beef noodle soup. Since Nat got it bad yesterday, we decided to eat there.

Halfway into dinner, I asked Grish a question to trigger an adult discussion. (Bad idea.)

"Tingin mo, na-rape talaga si Nicole?"

"Sinong Nicole?", she asked back. Then when she remembered a second later, "Ah, teka, matagal na yun a?"

"Eh hindi pa tapos, e. Apparently- "

Nathan: "Tito, what's rape?"

You should've seen Grish's eyes grow in panic. :) I guess mine did too. It's as if the world stopped spinning while we both rushed to think of how to answer the kid's question, or make a harmless attempt to change the topic.

(When Nat asks me a question, I always go into encyclopedia mode, so I was tempted to answer, "Well, its non-consentual..." but I stopped myself. :) )

Luckily, Nat had another thing in mind. "Di ba yun yung sa patay? R.I.P.? 'Rip'?"

We both laughed, relieved. "Yup, yun nga yun, Nat. Rest in peace."

Thank God. How can you possibly explain rape to a nine-year old? I told Grish to remind me to think twice about asking adult questions when Nat is around.

Jesus = jologs

2006-09-20T07:05:00.000+08:00

As I was walking home yesterday trying to catch a bus, an ordinary, non-airconditioned one went by. I quickly noticed that it was fully packed unlike the one I was trying to wait for. I saw a couple of high school students standing in the aisles, then a pack full of our construction workers, laborers, public school teachers (yes, I saw the uniform) and a lot of people whose jobs I could only guess at. Except for some few, it would be obvious that the people who ride these buses are the ones who are part of the lower classes of our social strata; the ones we call "masa", "jologs" for some, and most recently, "orcs".

I realized two things when that bus passed by. First is that I am extremely blessed with my life. I have enough money in my pocket to even get a cab and ride all the way to Las Pinas from Taft Avenue if I wanted to. But what about them? Can you imagine that? Not having enough money to spare, to afford the option to ride an aircon bus when the ordinary ones are jam-packed? You'd ask youself why they are even riding an old dilapidated bus anyway when the price difference is a measly 7-10 pesos. The painful truth is that for these people, that 7 pesos is money alloted for something else already. To them, it will be something to add (a measly complement, but a complement nonetheless) to their daily food budget, rent, electric bill or what not. It's money they're willing to sacrifice.

Now, what's 7 pesos to YOU? I can't remember the last time I bought something priced as low as that. 7 pesos is just trike fare for me. :(

Second thing I realized is that if Jesus Christ were born in this century, in this year, and in this country, he would have been born in the socio-economic class of those people in the bus. Now, that would be too technical.

Jesus would be jologs to us.

As a carpenter, he would be dressed in a rundown, faded shirt, cement-powdered denims, sporting his hole-ridden backpack and of course, smelling like all the sweat of the day was still on his back. Imagine that for one second. If he walked up to you and tell you to give everything up and follow him, would you? It's funny - it would seem like the biblical Jesus is easier to believe and have faith in than the Jesus dressed as a 20th century Filipino carpenter.

First reaction would probably be, are you crazy?? Who the hell are you?! Who the hell do you think you are? Christ (or let's pick a fitting name like Mariano) - you'd hear about Mariano and how he cures the sick, make the blind see, make the lame walk. You would go to a far-off place like Silang, Cavite (way outside "Jerusalem") where you get to see him do his work, surrounded by his people you perceive to belong to the same "class". You are amazed, not by the fact that He is the son of God or even his absurd claim to the title but more of his power to bend the laws of science.

So as the proverbial rich man, you'd ask him, "What do I have to do to enter the kingdom of God?". Mariano would look at you intently and straight into your eyes, and with a geniune smile he would answer, "Give everything up, sell everything, and follow me."

If Jesus were to tell you that now, what would He be telling you EXACTLY? He would be telling you to sell your cellphone, ipod, your laptop. He would tell you to commit career suicide; abandon all thought of living a career, even a future. He would tell you to give up your self-imposed dreams and follow him.

Drop everything and follow a carpenter. It sounds as absurd now as it did 2000 years ago. A leap of faith indeed, and one that is truly life-changing.

-------

Epilogue.
I have long since realized that what Jesus wanted the rich man to do was not sell all his possessions literally, but be dis-attached from them. He should be so unattached that he would realize that everything belongs to God, that it could be taken away anytime, and ergo the whole fabric of his being would not collapse if they were. Jesus told the rich man those words to free him from slavery of affluence and making his riches his world. God does not condemn rich men. He would want people to live abundant, prosperous lives (can you count how many sheep Job had?) but not at the expense of destroying themselves with it.

Making up big time

2006-09-18T11:04:00.000+08:00

Two weeks ago, Grish got really pissed at me. It was an accident really. I thought that we would meet at Glorietta after work, but what she really intended was to fetch me at our office. So stupid me, I waited for her at our usual meet-up place at Food Choices. Then after a couple of texts, I realized she was waiting for me at the office. I was pretty sure she was mad (who wouldn't be?) - well, at least annoyed. She told me to just wait for her at Glorietta while she endured the long walk to Ayala to catch a jeep. Needless to say, my hands were clammy and I thought of ways of how to apologize. When we finally met, she was smiling (thank god!) but her frustration was obvious. :) Her anger died down eventually, but she would quip about it as we went malling that night.

I don't know what came over me. I surely did not plan on it. As we were window shopping near the Timezone area, I browsed through this silver jewelry booth. I was really planning to set a weekend where I could hunt a decent engagement ring, but I felt that I would want to give her something that she really wants (and something that would fit!) rather than surprise her. So I was really torn between buying a ring with her (unromantic!), or just go with the surprise. As I went through these thoughts while browsing the silver rings, she suddenly came up behind me. The cover was blown. When I turned to face her, she had this face that was a mix of bliss, anticipation and uncertainty - all rolled into one. Well, I realized that happiness was the dominant emotion so I thought we should just go for it. :)

She was able to pick a ring she really loved and that was really gorgeous in her finger in my opinion. I don't think I should have a ring myself but she picked one for me as well. It was really quite funny.

"So magpo-propose ka na?", she asked.

"Bakit, o-oo ka ba?", I asked back.

She faced the attendant, "Ano miss, o-oo ba ko?", beaming.

"Um-oo na kayo, ma'am! Minsan lang yan.". (Kilig din sya actually.)

So we had the rings packed. I really wasn't sure if I should propose in front of arcade machines and underwear booths of all places. "Sige, sir, i-bo-box ko muna ha, para kunwari hindi alam ni ma'am.", the attendant said. But of course, we both were giddy with excitement.

When we got outside, that area and near that "quite-secluded" walk way going to Digital Zone, I realized I can't take it any longer. We stopped, and I started opening the box.

"Magtatanong ka ha?". We are so deep in the wedding plannings that she must've thought I wouldn't even ask her anymore.

"Oo naman.", I answered, smiling.

And with shaking hands (hers was shaking too), I popped the question. She actually said "no" the first time (humor - her usual defense mechanism against serious moments) - then a quiet, teary-eyed, more heartfelt "yes" a split-second later. So that was it, on that night, I got formally engaged to Miss Grishelda Derige. As she would say later, no candle-lit dinner, not under the moonlight - but we were very happy. ;)

The number 8 has always been significant for us. So when we checked the date a few moments later, we were happy to realize that it was September 8. But it got a little creepy when we realized that we got engaged very very close to 8:00pm. (Actually, when you add the digits of the price of the rings, it adds up to 8, too.)

Since then she would always kid me that I only proposed to make up for what I did that afternoon. I'd always play with the answer, "Not really, but it's a big part of the reason". :)

=========

This Saturday, we were at Lilli's Jewelry at Annapolis to pick out the design for our wedding rings. :)

Missing Karmela

2006-09-14T06:56:00.000+08:00

Colibria used to be officed in an old office building named Karmela Building. It was in the midst of a slightly rundown urban community, which made it unusual to find a high-tech company there. At first, it was kind of awkward for me to work there as it seemed like I'm working at my first job after graduation again - a startup company inappropriately located in a residential area. But that's exactly what gives Karmela it's distinct flavor, and as months rolled on, I came to like it. There were home-cooked food stalls, a Bacolod chicken restaurant, morning donuts from Dunkin', ice cream helpings of Milko at noon, dumplings at Shopwise at afternoon, and quick, convenient jeepney ride to Taft Avenue. (Hm..most of that was food...).

What I miss more though, is what Colibria seemed to me when it was still in Karmela. To me, Colibria will always be that company housed in the 3rd floor of that rundown building - quiet, serene, professional. It could be first-impression illusions, yes, but it was nice just the same. Also, that time and place represented more carefree work for me. It was a time when I was a newbie, so all I had to do was learn all I need to learn, contribute what I could in terms of code, and work with the people. I did all that and it was truly refreshing. For the first time in years, I was learning again, learning to program, learning new frameworks, all without the pressure of leading a team and being responsible for deadlines. It was heaven. I blogged about how I felt at that time once - and I can never forget it.

But - as usual, it was the calm before the storm. It was naive of me to have thought that I will always stay in the role of a developer, when I was hired to lead a team someday. But alas, that "someday" quickly came, and too prematurely in my opinion. Now, I'm back in the same old routine, same old stress points. Same worries of why Cherry is still not around at 9am (hi, che :)), same worries when people ask me, "What should I do next?" (Seriously, you don't know?), and if they can't answer that then same stress of figuring out what the team should be doing - on top of what I have to do myself in terms of coding. I wish I could be like House when he said, "Watch me, here's why they pay me the big bucks." I'm not complaining about the "big bucks". I know I get paid here well over what I would be getting if I was in any other company. I can't complain. But sometimes, you get to think once in a while of QOL (Quality of Life) and the work you do.

I'd really like to get back to engineering - I mean, to LIVE - to ENGINEER software to the truest sense of the terms and not just whipping up the bare-bones, brute-force solutions we always seem to get around to doing. And I wanna do that without the pressure of team management.

Recently, I got in touch with an old college friend who was also a computer science graduate. This guy worked in Japan for Epson for a couple of years, but came back. He said the stress was too much. Right now, a year or so later, I found out he's learning the business of medical transcription and plans to put a business along those lines himself. I asked why, and he said he just wants to live his life in relative peace - lying down at night without thinking about code and solutions. Most people would be reminded of that saying about the kitchen and not being able to take the heat, but there's a good kind of sense in what he said. Why let yourself suffer if you can live your life differently?

But I digress. And I have to get back to work.

Old-school RPG padawan

2006-09-11T07:59:00.000+08:00

I'm proud to announce that Nathan has graduated from Mario 3 with flying colors. He even attempts to re-finish the game in his spare time, spare time from playing...FINAL FANTASY II!

My padawan gamer has literally skipped FF1 and went straight to 2. How good is he? He knows what chocobos are for! (Do you? I dont.) :)

Famous quotes:

Me: Bakit ka lagi nag-ma-magic?
Nat: Pinapataas ko po level nila e. Si Maria, Level 6 na yung Fire spell nya.

----

(After Nat went to an inn, a caught a glimpse of how much gil he has.)
Me: Bat ang dami mong peraaaa?
Nat: Kasi po lagi ako lumalaban din sa yellow area e. Mahirap kalaban dun. (He meant the "desert" area.

----

Nat: Kelangan ko makakuha ng chocobo kasi pag nakasakay ka dun, walang kalaban na a-attack sa yo.

----

(After Nat suddenly turns the unit off without saving..)
Me: Oy! Di ka pa nag-save!
Nat: OK lang, tito. Uulitin ko na lang kasi kelangan ko talaga hanapin yung Chocobo Forest.

I'm so proud!!!

Thanks, Azumanga Daioh

2006-09-04T07:23:00.000+08:00

I got the first four episodes of Azumanga Daioh from Cherry's video stash and watched it over the weekend. It's been a while (since Love Hina) that an anime show really made me laugh. :)

Che, bakit apat lang?!

House's bike

2006-08-31T09:01:00.000+08:00

Since I'm into superbike die-cast models, I just had to google what House's bike is. Here you go. A Honda CBR 1000RR in Repsol colors.

Shaolin kid

2006-08-28T08:38:00.000+08:00

Yesterday, we attended the first birthday / baptism of the son of the daughter of my mother's cousin. So...don't ask me if I'm an uncle or what. I just know we're related. :)

Long overdue contentdev dinner pics

2006-08-28T08:34:00.000+08:00

A little eye-opener

2006-08-15T09:48:00.000+08:00

There was once a shopkeeper who sells screwdrivers. One day, he opened a job vacancy for a door-to-door salesman. He sent Candidate # 1 to find this old customer of his, and sell him this set of upgraded screwdrivers.

When Candidate # 1 came back, he told the shopkeeper that he went to the customer's address, knocked for a while, and seeing there was no one there, left the house entirely.

Candidate # 2 was asked to do the same thing. When he returned though, he reported that apparently, the customer moved to another address. So he just went back.

Candidate # 3 was asked to do the same thing. When he returned, the shopkeeper was glad that he sold the screwdrivers. When asked how, he said that the neighbor told him that the customer already moved a long time ago (as what he said to the previous salesman). But Candidate # 3, seeing the opportunity, started offering the screwdrivers to the neighbor instead. He made such a convincing sales pitch that the neighbor finally agreed to buy the screwdrivers.

Guess who got hired?

A better question is, when was the last time you worked like Candidate # 3? Take time to see the big picture and never lose sight of the ultimate goal.

Positivism?

2006-08-10T21:03:00.000+08:00

Well, let's give it a try, shall we? Good things that happened today:

1. I woke up feeling a bit more rested than usual, especially since for the last three nights I've had bouts with slight fevers (don't ask why) and sparks of allergic rhinitis. Anyway, I woke up a little stronger and without the usual warmth in my palms that usually signals a fever.

2. Although I left the house late (7:30am) and expected that I would have a hard time getting a ride, an empty bus cut it's trip short, turned around, and as a result, I got good seats.

3. I took a cab. Expensive, but it numbed the usual morning irritability that seems to be becoming a habit nowadays.

4. Grish is feeling a little better, too.

5. Work could be better, on a personal note. I know I could've done more. But there were positives: Java verified, positive feedbacks, etc.

6. Ride home was pretty uneventful, not even difficult.

That's not so bad, hmmm.

Good things to expect:

7. I have money to buy a new phone, and I'm at that fun stage of trying out the stuff and deciding which to buy.

8. There's a big chance I might go to Oslo.

9. My mom has like 30,000 rewards points to spend from her credit card and I told her to get me the 1GB iPod Shuffle. Before you start, no, there was no iPod Video. (Baduuuuy.)

10. I have the weekend, now with Nathan, to look forward to. I'm supposed to get a status report from him on where he is at Mario 3. Ah, I remember that I should start talking to him in straight English from now on since he needs the practice.

11. I have a killer game design brewing for Sept. 11.

Hm. Not so bad at all. Far cry from my typical blog.

Pagtanggap

2006-08-03T16:45:00.000+08:00

Meron talagang mga bagay sa buhay na sana hindi mo na lang nalaman para hindi ka napaasa at hindi ka nalungkot. Dapat talaga inaalam muna kung tutugma sa yo o maaaring talagang mangyari sa yo ang bagay na nalaman mo.

Nung una, wala naman talaga sa isip ko na makakakuha ako ng ganun, ewan ko kung bakit. Pero nung nalaman ko na posible, nabuhayan ako ng loob. Maraming pwedeng puntahan yung pera na yun. (Klap-klap) Unang-una sa kasal. Pangalawa, pwede na sana ako bumukod. Maranasan ko man lang bumukod ng tirahan bago ako mag-asawa...

Pero ang tadhana kung minsan, mas bwiset pa kay Joey de Leon. Nagbibiro pero nakaka-asar. Siguro talagang tatanggapin ko na lang na wala.

Tutal yun naman talaga inisip ko nung una e.

Pero 'tangna. Hindi patas.

Tired of playing new games

2006-07-28T12:33:00.000+08:00

I recently got an Nvidia 6600v+ video card from a fried who was kind enough to lend it to me on a try-before-you-buy basis. Needless to say, I reinstalled Oblivion, Call of Duty 2, Tomb Raider Legend and Age of Empires 3 just to sample the improved graphics.

Surprisingly, I got bored. I played COD2 in the minimum graphics settings so I was able to compare it with the maxed-out-pissed-out graphics mode. Sure, the fire animations were realistic, shadows and textures were compelling, and I can see the serial number in the butt of my rifle.

But IT'S THE SAME GAME.

What did I expect? Of course it's the same game. Well, I was rather expecting that I would at least be wowed by the graphics. No wow there. I don't know what's wrong - the graphics were indeed spectacular to behold. But all this made me realize how tired I am of playing the same game styles/genres/plays/what-have-you over and over again.

Just today I saw a demo for a new game. It said, "Play as an American, Russian or German soldier in the midst of the bloody battles of WWII". WTF? The same can be said of hundreds of recent games out there.

Innovation is dead (at least, outside of Wii), as far as I can see it. The young male graphics-eye-candy-hungry audience is the primary consumer of the games industry, which grinds experimentation to a halt.

How many Call of Duties can you really play?

What makes Alone in the Dark more appealing to me than Resident Evil?

Oh well...

Post-contentdev syndrome - Year 2

2006-07-26T15:59:00.000+08:00

In the last few months, I have reached the peak of my soul-searching. Ashamed as I am to admit that it is taking me years to figure out what I'd want the next step of my life should be, I struggled to get everything settled at least before the year ends. I know the future is a moving target, but I really want to have a target to begin with.

Several self-help books and hours of pondering have convinced me that my sweet spot has always been my art. I know I arrived at this realization many times before, but some things just prevent me from seeing it through.

And as always, just when I'm planning an exit strategy from this career, bham - I.T. pulls me back.

At first, I thought that getting assigned as a team lead is clear signal of what direction I should be taking. I mean, since the assignment happened so suddenly, just when I was taking my first steps in another direction, shouldn't I consider this a clear signal from above? Maybe this is God's huge stop sign for me - for me to stop the detour and just maintain my course. Besides, this can be seen as a blessing after all, and some people wait their entire careers for this kind of blessing. So at the first few days, I held my ground and all is well and affirmed.

But then, the more I stay on my course, the more enticing the other direction seems to appear. For some absurd reason, I'm starting to feel that I'm starting to lose something I have not even acquired/accomplished to begin with - if that is even possible.

As days go by, it doesn't feel like staying on course, but getting farther away from my TRUE course.

The thought that this is my last IT company, that this is my last IT project, refreshes me for some reason. But I dare not entertain such thoughts. I need full focus to do what needs to be done.

As you can see, those stricken with post-contentdev syndrome think too much. But can you imagine two years of this?

I want to move on.

Taepodong-2

2006-07-05T13:21:00.000+08:00

CNN.com - U.S. officials: North Korea tests long-range missile - Jul 4, 2006

After a couple weeks, the North Koreans have finally executed the test firing of the Taepodong-2, an ICBM capable of distances up to a maximum of 15,000 miles. Well, in theory. Whether by stoke of luck or the North Korean's apparent incompetence in this technology, the missile failed and was only airborne for about 40 seconds. Four other small-scale missiles were launched but they also failed. All missiles ended up in the Sea of Japan.

Threat level: If successful, the T-2 could've reached a target in the West coast of the US. In these hypothetical trajectory studies from globalsecurity.org, it could've even reached the East coast.

God knows what the NKoreans' intentions are. Most analyst agree that it is only to get attention since obviously, the T-2 can be easily intercepted. I just wonder how panicked NORAD was in that 40 seconds before the missile crashed on the sea. So I guess the fueling of the missile in the past couple of weeks was not a bluff at all.

Was T-2 surgically sabotaged? Another possibility. Or the whole thing could just be a billion-dollar attempt at showing off strike capability - aborting the flight midway. Like abruptly pulling away the pistol after pointing it in the victim's temple.

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Passing the torch

2006-07-05T08:43:00.000+08:00

When Grish and Nathan finished Rayman 3 for the mobile, I figured they're ready for the next step. Yesterday, in ceremonious background music and in front of an endearing crowd in Chowking, I passed on the Gameboy Advance to Nathan.

Grish hesitated at first. "But there are rules, ha. You can only play this on weekends."

"Saturdays lang.", I clarified.

Seeing a protest brewing, Grish decided," O sige, Friday nights, then Satudays."

"And isa-isang oras lang. One hour sessions only.", I added. Geez, I'm turning into a parent.

But we let him play for a few minutes (Super Mario 3) for him to get his bearings right. The guiding mentor that I am, I threw him a barrage.

"Diinan mo yung 'b' para mabilis takbo nya."

"'A' to jump."

"No, direction plus 'a' to jump sideways. That's it."

I'm so proud.

"E, tito, what do I do with the duck?"

"Uh...that's not a duck.Patungan mo. Wag mo didikitan ha, or else mamamatay ka. You have to jump on him straight down on his back. Wag kang didikit."

"E, tito, what about the angel?"

"Uh...that's a flying duck."

Hey, even I thought it was a duck the first time I saw it. When I caught a glimpse of where he was in the level, I realized he was missing something.

"Punta ka sa ilalim nung question boxes, then talon. No, no, not on top of them. Try to break them from under...There! Mushroom! Eat it! Habulin mo! Go go go!"

20th Anniversary Gameboy Advance Micro: Php 6,000
The eyes of a 9-year-old seeing Mario eat a mushroom for the first time: Priceless.

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Operation Summer Rain

2006-06-29T11:27:00.000+08:00

CNN.com - Israel expands Gaza offensive - Jun 28, 2006

I've always been ignorant about about the Palestinian problem. I would not be able to define, much less point in a map, where the Gaza strip and the West Bank are. But just this morning, when I read that Israel has started an incursion into Palestinian territory to rescue a kidnapped Israeli corporal, I found myself googling information about the situation up to way back in the 1940's.

As a new observer in this corner of the world, Operation Summer Rain could just be a typical military operation in a place constantly plagued by violence. But in my crude analysis, I am starting to believe that Israel is poised to invade the Gaza and secure territories under the light of a simple hostage rescue.

This "rescue" has brought forth a number of alarming offensives from the Israelis:

Bombing of a Palestinian power plant - the only one in the Gaza strip. A pre-cursor to a stealth/commando rescue? Could be.
Bombing of a Hamas* military training facility
A "fly-by" of Israeli jets (a show of force) over the country house of the Syrian prime minister. Syria is providing political asylum to a Hamas leader - also believed to be behind the kidnapping of the Israeli corporal.

* From what little I found out, Hamas is a politico-military organization branded as terrorists by most. Something like Al-Qaeda probably. But the fact is, it has become (through an election?) the ruling government of all Palestinian-controlled areas (Gaza and West Bank) and whose motive is the utter destruction of Israel.

All this to rescue a corporal? Some believe that the Hamas started the chaos, by taking an offensive against an obvious "military target". Of course, that target is a person. The Hamas is taking steps at negotiations, but unlike before, it would appear the Israelis are not willing to talk. With troops stationed at the southern border of the Gaza (with Egyptian forces claiming to stop any Palestinian refugees from crossing), Israeli forces are gathering on the north and eastern side for the final "rescue effort".

With this tactical maneuver, the Israelis will be trapping the Hamas militants, with no way out except for the Mediterranean.

But Israel will have to watch its northern border for a possible retaliation by Syria. In that case, it will be a two-front war.

Curiously, there is no UN or US military action so far, with the US busy handling the floods in Washington, Pennsylvania and New York. It's intriguing to see what happens next.

History in the making. (Note Palestinian territories in the map below)

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Abysmal

2006-06-23T17:08:00.000+08:00

That's the perfect word to describe my work performance for the past 2-3 weeks. I find it ironic that just when I was given an all-out, straight-up, pure programming job (and found myself liking it), it would seem that my level of productivity has hit an all-time low. My output for a week is something that could be easily done in 2-3 days.

Salts on the proverbial wound are the facts that (1) I know what's causing this and I'm hating myself for not recognizing it when I saw it, and (2) this is reminiscent of past mistakes. The biggest things in life that I hate are mistakes that are repeated. You think you learned your lesson, you take a deep breath and promise yourself to do better, and when the same situation comes, all lessons learned got thrown to the wind.

Dammit.

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The Cavalier

2006-06-23T08:15:00.000+08:00

The Acrobat

2006-06-22T08:33:00.000+08:00

The Wizard

2006-06-21T07:00:00.000+08:00

He had a good run

2006-06-16T07:42:00.000+08:00

Gates To Quit Microsoft For World's Sake - Forbes.com

It was announced today that Bill Gates is undergoing the transition phase of giving up his Chief Software Architect position at Microsoft to work full-time at the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation. I think this is a very good move. The beneficiaries of the Gates Foundation would certainly benefit from his obsession for results, if not excellence and efficiency. I guess the billion-dollar man realized the absurdity in the fact that in the midst of technology and progress that the world claims it's under in, there is no single entity or organization that is working towards the cure for malaria (or is that cholera?) which is taking hundreds a day.

Some commented that despite the $28 million the foundation is spending, that is still spare change compared to what Gates owns and is worth, and that he could give more. Well, I say at least you can't accuse him of just throwing money at the problem, something most rich men tend to do.

I've always admired Bill Gates, and I know how cheesy that sounds. He (and Microsoft) got bad rep from that anti-trust lawsuit (something that I really don't agree with as I find that what MS did made perfect business sense in a highly competitive market). But if you read his books (The Road Ahead and Business at the Speed of Thought), you'll find that what he proposed and advocated was technology as an empowering force for efficiency and productivity. And he thought of this way before people even began to take orders online.

It remains to be seen what directions Microsoft will take in his absence. But as chairman, I think his influence can still be expected.

For a more visual trek on the Gates Foundation's work, go here.

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Steamboy

2006-06-15T09:34:00.000+08:00

I got a (ulp - pirated) copy of Steamboy last night (for only 150 bucks). This anime movie piqued my interest because I saw it more than once in game magazines. So I figured it might be something that's really good - fast-paced animation, big mechas, rockets, etc. How I made that assumption (just look at the pic) is beyond me.

Well, Steamboy might be good for some people, but I guess not for me. While there were some very impressive CG shots, there weren't that many and not that breathtaking. But as I expected, I got to see a lot of that merged-3D-with-2D animation that I usually find in recent animes nowadays.

I got bored with it because the setting is Victorian England. But it might interest you to know that the voices of Anna Paquin, Alfred Molina and Patrick Stewart (no less) were used. Steamboy was voiced by Samuel L. Jackson.

Just trying to get rid of the boredom.

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Trying Flock

2006-06-15T09:17:00.000+08:00

I'm writing this blog through Flock's blog interface. It's pretty cool - allowing me to blog instantly without having to login to my actual blog site.

And, as you can see, it supports drag-and-drop images! (We all know how tedious image attachment is on Wordpress.) I can even submit to both my blogs!

Try out Flock now! (It's in beta.)

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Tech blog

2006-06-02T12:26:00.000+08:00

Wanting to separate my less personal, more technical entries and to try Wordpress, I made a new blog at http://ogretech.wordpress.com.

Boingg

2006-06-01T08:55:00.000+08:00

Our counselor told me that she senses I have a lot of repressed anger and frustration. She said that I should try to let it out, stop rationalizing it, and that I should start seeing anger (or is that the "expression" of anger?) is not necessarily bad. Short of saying, I'm a walking time bomb. Or a wounded-up spring.

"I don't want to see you become like my husband.", she warns. "At 53, he had a bypass." Grish then gave me that glaring -look-of-concern face.

Fine.

I know most of the times I'm not a positive thinker. And I am still confused as to whether I'm a pessimist or a realist. But in the past few months, frustrations have been piling up. Since blog is venue for repressed emotions, I'll just fire away.

1. There have been plenty of times since I started working here that I get started on a project, dig deep into it in terms of research and all that, thinking that I'm doing some significant work. Then lo and behold, either someone already knew the answer or has a solution to what I've been working on (and had the good sense of NOT telling everyone that a solution has already been found), OR he just went on his merry way implementing the solution itself without telling me. I mean, what the hell happened to divide-and-conquer? It's conquer-all-you-can-for-the-glory here if you ask me.

2. A derivative of #1; there have been times when I was assigned something then when I check for updates, I find out that some people already did the solution, or is working on the same problem. Jeez, fine, I know I'm slow. Give me a fucking break here. The codes are not exactly READABLE, are they? But please have the respect of telling me that you're also working on the same thing, or at least tell me if you feel I'm too slow for it that it really would be best that if you do it yourself. I'm mature enough to handle that. I just told you - I KNOW I'm slow. And I'm working on it. But this kind of approach is the reason why years have gone by and the product has yet to mature. This kind of product has been developed by other companies with 2-3 MEMBERS ONLY. In just MONTHS. Makes you wonder, doesn't it?

3. There have been times when I was assigned to do something and I thought I understood the instructions and what is entailed, then suddenly, halfway through the work, the requirements change because APPARENTLY, I understood it wrong. I don't want to brag, but at close to 8 years in this business, I think my knack of following and understanding instructions is at an all time high, thank you very much. Then why the hell does this happen?

4. Fallen expectations. With respect to my colleagues, I expected that processes and simply software engineering, would be more mature. I should've known that in a startup, when time is money, time-to-deliver is money, and change is paramount, processes are bumps in the road - necessary but if you really need to go someplace fast, you ignore them. People are either not learning here, or they're learning on their own approach. There is no organizational-wide "soul", so to speak, of how to do things. And if I'm afraid that if I don't watch out or watch myself, I'll regress.

I'm sure 90% of what I wrote here are wrong, taking another person's perspective. This is my perception of things and I don't mean them to be true. But the thing is, they are true FOR ME, and THERE lies the problem. It is my PERCEPTION that will have to change, not the external factors. The factors will always be there whether we like it or not. Self-help book material, I know.

Well, at least now, I'm half-repressed.

That movie

2006-05-29T07:34:00.000+08:00

I liked the The Da Vinci Code movie. No, I think I even loved it, and is now on that list of movies I'd want to see again.

I know a lot of people were disapppointed. Some said it was too long. Some said it was too short. Obviously, almost everyone expected that all the facts in the book were put in. I had the same expectations though, but ten minutes into the film I realized it was really different and it was then that I dropped all preconceived notions and started to watch like someone who hasn't read the book, or doesn't know anything about the subject.

I was sort of prepared for, as one reviewer put it, Tom Hanks' shoddy dialogue and the way he said the final revelation. But I found it...satifactory. Not too pompous with sparks flying everywhere, and not too drab. In fact, I guess that's my impression of the whole movie.

It was not meant to be aligned 100% with the book. It was meant to (and I believe, should be) a very different version of the story altogether. It is its own art form. And I think by setting itself apart from the book, it has made the book's fans appreciate it more.

I don't know if these tidbits were in the book, but these were the "differences" I really enjoyed.

1. The angle of Fasch being a member of Opus Dei.
2. That Fasch wasn't the senior cop in the film, and that he was driven by his passions himself.
3. That the "hint of something more" in Robert and Sophie was replaced by something akin to a mentor-student relationship. I think this is really refreshing. If they had kissed (hinted at a romantic angle), it would have ruined it for me.
4. That Sophie was not a Sauniere, but actually a St. Claire - a surname I think was not mentioned in the book but based on the documentaries is a part or IS THE modern line of the sangreal.
5. That if they followed the book and casted a 30-ish actress for Sophie, the idea of her being a princess (from the line of David) would not have been very convincing.
6. The "phasing in and out" of historical clips.

What was also amusing to see were Grish's reactions. It's rare for me to find her giving out long sighs of boredom and sitting forward at times. Halfway through the movie, she declared she was bored.

Well, with regards to the whole subject, I am too. :) And this movie is closure.

(Although I think Rick still has my Holy Blood, Holy Grail book.)

Before you make your next mobile game, READ THIS

2006-05-26T08:10:00.000+08:00

I stumbled upon Quicklybored and read it's manifesto. Simply put, they speak the truth. As I see it, mobile gaming for developers is a big opportunity to real-ize and test out unique game concepts, concepts that publishers would deem risky to invest on. This is like what independent game development is to mainstream PC/console development. Mobile gaming levels the playing field - a chance for garage or bedroom programmers to get their shot, and a fertile ground for game concepts totally dislike the usual formulas we've come to play and cause us to throw up after a few turns. (Does "I played this game before" frequently happen to you?)

Anyway, I have yet to go through all of the site, but Quicklybored's manifesto is smack-dab, kick-in-the-groin enlightening.

The QB Manifesto
Posted At : 5:02 PM | Posted By : qBored
Related Categories: Quicklybored
Part one: Ecce Taedium

QuicklyBored is founded partially upon the belief that mobile gaming is going to be big. Shaquille O’Neal big. Notorious B.I.G. big. Dave Chappelle to white people big. Every major game developer and publisher is starting to test the waters of mobile gaming, and they’re dipping their toes into a potentially very large ocean. Why? There are countries in the world with 110% platform penetration – that means some people own more than one mobile phone. Think of how many people you know who don’t own one. Buzz words like “massive installed base” and “untapped revenue streams” are what is driving the industry to take mobile gaming very, very seriously.

Don’t believe us? Read the words of Lincoln Wallen, CTO of EA’s mobile division, in a recent interview with MobileIndustry.biz:

I think EA sees mobile as a significant potential market, so we’re not dipping our toe in the water any more. We want to realize that potential, so we’re in with both feet… There’s anything but a lack of backing and resources.

But there’s a problem. A second principle helped spawn QuicklyBored from the murky depths of our minds: mobile gaming sucks. Right now, the mobile games industry in North America is a big stinking mess. The carriers have a huge stranglehold on what games come out, most games are terrible, there is massive device fragmentation across the board (making developing games that much harder), the mobile media is terribly biased, and no one seems to be paying any attention to what mobile gamers really want (not even mobile gamers themselves). The situation is similar to that of the console industry in the mid to late 80s, and nobody wants to relive the 80s.

That’s where QuicklyBored comes in. We are the guiding light in the dark sea of mobile gaming. We won’t hit you with tons of previews for games you won’t want to play because someone paid us to. We won’t give you in-depth interviews with developers you don’t care about (can you name one mobile game developer by their first and last name?). We won’t give all games at least a 7/10 rating – we won’t even review most games; we’re just here to point you to the good ones, so you don’t have to sift through the crap. We do that for you (lucky us), because we believe that mobile gaming can be good. Shaquille O’Neal good. Biggie good. Dave Chappelle to white people good.

We’re just going to make fun of it until it gets that way.

Part two: whats wrong with the mobile gaming industry?

We take a look at the three things crushing the gentle, gentle spirit of mobile gaming. ....

The Evil Empires

The single greatest factor impeding the development of mobile gaming in North America at this time is the firm, ball-crushing grasp that carriers have on the industry. Mobile Entertainment magazine reported in its September issue that mobile carriers control 80-90% of all content traffic (predominantly ring tones and games). It'’s called the "“walled garden"” --– carriers such as Sprint, Nextel and Verizon simply do not allow their subscribers to buy off-portal content. It'’s basically a big carrier pissing contest; similar to being banned from shopping at Walmart because you'’re wearing shoes from Sears.

With carriers being the only way for consumers to get games, developers unavoidably focus on appeasing these phone barons. This causes many problems. First, only games that the carriers deem worthy get put on their decks for purchase, limiting innovation in game design as only the latest trends in gaming are followed. This usually leads to shitty movie tie-ins and scaled down versions of console hits that should have been aborted long before they were able to draw a single, stagnant breath. Secondly, with only limited space on a carrier'’s deck, many developers struggle to get their games exposure. Good games are out-Darwined and doomed to die slow deaths in obscurity.

While carriers are starting to loosen their grip in response to the worldwide industry'’s gradual movement towards direct to consumer purchasing (Verizon and Sprint might allow downloads from outside their networks by the end of the year), this does not exist on any significant level in North America right now. The vast majority of the few D2C sites in existence suck hard. While there are a couple workarounds available for people with Bluetooth phones, it's still insanely difficult for the average gamer to get what they want, when they want it.

North Americans Don't Care

But North Americans don'’t necessarily want that much. A recent study by the NPD Group shows that half of all North American wireless subscribers now own phones capable of downloading games. Of that group, only 27% play games. The main reason that they play games is to kill time, averaging 11 minutes per play session.

These are not the numbers of a hardcore mobile gaming movement just waiting to burst forth into the mainstream. These numbers show casual gamers who aren'’t really craving the hottest new mobile release or are even aware that it exists. If they'’re getting games at all it's what their carrier deigns worthy for them to play; they'’re not even thinking of checking into games online.

The Mobile Gaming Media Doesn'’t Get It

This is something that the majority of the mobile gaming media has failed to notice. Living in the shadow of its older brothers, the mobile media approaches the market the same way it does console/computer gaming: with HOT previews, interviews with COOL game developers and long-winded reviews concerning the minutia of games they probably only played twice while wondering how they ended up working in the Siberian wasteland of gaming. They fail to understand that mobile gaming in North America is an eleven-minute distraction that occupies people'’s time while they'’re waiting in line to do something else. It is always the second priority, at best.

The mobile gaming media also seems unable to recognize that we'’re not all Japanese. That may seem like a weird statement, but it'’s an important one. Unlike the Japanese, we consider mobile phones to be a practical necessity, not a social accessory. We do not buy a new phone every week just to be the first to have it, and we will not upgrade to a better phone just to get the latest Square release. That's why our games look like the forgotten children of the 8-bit era, and Japanese cell phones are powered by cold fusion.

Beyond their ignorance of the status of mobile gaming North America, the mobile media isn'’t exactly the most impartial. Most sites won'’t review a developer's game unless a carrier that advertises with the site publishes it. This type of carrier-allegiance makes it very hard for new developers to break out and get exposure for their games. While you'’ll only see this occasionally from the mobile sections of major sites (you know who they are), the second-tier or "mobile only"’ sites are almost always just whores for their sponsors. On these sites, you will never see a game receive less than a 3.5 out of 5, even if it'’s something so turgid that it makes you shed a tear for humanity'’s lost innocence.

And finally, for reading this long, here's a treat. :)

Hungerrr

2006-05-25T14:20:00.000+08:00

(More Ilocos pics to come. I just like this one the most.)

Please god let me work for Nintendo before I die...

2006-05-12T08:00:00.000+08:00

May 11, 2006

E3: Iwata - Being No. 1 In Console Market Not Important

A pair of interviews conducted at this week's E3 Expo in Los Angeles have Nintendo president Satoru Iwata in a reflective mood regarding his company's Wii launch later this year, indicating that, unlike Microsoft and Sony's more combative attitude, he isn't concerned with being the top next-gen console in terms of sales.

He commented, in an interview with the Seattle Post-Intelligencer: "For our part, our goal isn't to have a certain percentage of the market or to be a certain number... Of course, we'd like to be No. 1, but we ourselves look at the results of what we've done, and we think the important thing is whether we've increased the number of people playing games and whether we've succeeded in breaking down the barriers to people playing in their homes."

In addition, Iwata gave a basic indication of when the pricing for the Wii (rumored this week by various media outlet to be set at around $249) will officially be announced, suggesting that "...the Wii will come out in the fourth quarter, so I expect to talk about it around summer."

In a separate interview with the Associated Press, Iwata further commented on how he felt Nintendo's tactics differentiated themselves from the competition, suggesting: "The approach to make more gorgeous-looking graphics ... to have the horsepower, to have much faster processing - they don't do anything to ask nongamers to play with a video game."

In his final AP comments, Iwata explained Nintendo's philosophy in almost holistic terms, showing why the company is such a stark contrast to Sony and Microsoft at this week's show: "Nintendo's mission is to try to make people happy, to try to make people smile."

Greatest fear (WARNING: creepy)

2006-04-28T16:02:00.000+08:00

At last night's dinner table:

MOM: Hintayin mo ko bukas ha. Gagabihin ako. Meron kaming Bible study tapos punta kami kina Chat Silayan. May service e.

(Chat Silayan and my mom attend the same church. I actually saw her in person once, when I attended one service at that church.)

ME: Nag-Bible study ka na, pupunta ka pa sa service?!

MOM: Shempre, makidalamhati ka man lang -

ME: Ba't sino ba namatay?

MOM: Si Chat?! Di mo alam?!

Of course, I didn't. But what struck me the most was when I asked my mom how old Chat was (she was 46), I suddenly felt this fear. I mean, God, 46! That's just half of the lifespan of a typical person. Cancer of the colon at 46...

That's mid-life crisis for you!

I was literally chilled and a little shaky that night when I was alone in my room. It's childish I know, but the fear of dying is fundamentally basic. Then I realized that it's not dying per se that scares me. It's dying YOUNG - dying when you know you haven't done everything you could've; when you have not lived your life to the fullest. We always hear that from people. But when you start contemplating death, you really realize what it means. Like having the rug pulled from under your feet...

I know I should be afraid. Cancer runs in our family. My aunt died from breast cancer at 36. My grandmom died of stomach cancer. My mom had a benign tumor in her uterus which caused her to give it up. My cousin (the first in our generation) also had a benign tumor in her kidneys, which forced her to give up one. I am starting to accept the fact that there's a real good chance that I might die of the same cause. (Tapos, ang taba ko pa di ba?) But please, not until I reach 80 or 90.

I was glad to know that Chat (first name basis!) died in her sleep. Sana ako din. My lolo died hugging the post of a double-decker bed. It was like he was just sitting there. Everyone assumed he died peacefully.

I'm not claiming that I've just had a life-changing event. But a little something shed some little light in the way I live my life. Hopefully whenever God decides to take me away, I'll be ready.

.

On the other hand, I know I still have a long way to go, and that God will bless me with long life. That's because He led me to someone who has suffered for so long and so tremendously, that He made it my mission to make sure she remains happy for the rest of her life.

Mentoring

2006-04-28T14:37:00.000+08:00

For those of you who seriously plan to setup their own IT companies in the future, I have one piece of advice. Implement mentoring, or better yet, developmentoring. This can be valuable most especially if your company already has a pre-existing code base.

A new employee can always code from scratch and can most likely perform as expected. But there are simply things about the company, work, procedures and protocols that cannot be easily taught, and cannot be left to the employee to find out on his own. Assign an existing developer to serve as mentor to the new guy; not to teach a new programming language or to impose his/her superior knowledge, but to guide the noob get acquainted with those mentioned above. A period of one month will do.

DO NOT LET THE NOOB ASSUME THINGS FOR HIM/HERSELF. If you want to test the noob's ability to improvise, assume and absorb information, don't do it in the first couple of months because it will do you more harm than good. That's simple common sense.

Based from experience.

Horror story

2006-04-27T16:26:00.000+08:00

Just recently I saw the resume of a 36-year old programmer. He was very proficient in C++, had coded them all in plain old C, C++, Visual C++, and .NET C#. He was a double degree holder (Physics and Engineering, I think), and is a Master's degree holder in Computer Science.

Yet one fact outshined them all: he was looking for a job.

And it hit me that this is my personal horror story. To be a 36-year old programmer, struggling to compete with the recent graduates who can even earn a combined $35,000 out of freelance gigs alone, struggling to catchup with the lastest technologies (all I know of Ajax is that it's a soap brand), way past your programming prime, still dreaming of having that IT career, and STILL on the road looking for a stable day job.

Ah, well, to each his own. Maybe the guy's rich already.

Running Oblivion on a budget card

2006-04-24T08:08:00.000+08:00

For the uninitiated, Oblivion is the next installment in the Elder Scrolls series. The game is nothing short of breathtaking but it can really put your video card to the test. Gamespot even released a tweak guide for it. But for those like me who are just equipped with an integrated video card, or just a budget card, the game is still playable. Even on a low-range card, crawling through dungeons with just my torch and sword with the music off was still an eerie experience like what I felt with Doom 3.

Anyway, here are my settings. I'm just using a Nvidia 6100 embedded video card.

Resolutions: 640x480
Anti-aliasing: OFF

Distance landscape, trees buildings: OFF (althought from screenshots Oblivion presents some of the most captivating scenery, I didn't miss them. LOD loading was far better than Morrowind's, especially if you have 1GB RAM)

Bloom lighting: ON (this is highly recommended as this gives the game its unique visual style)

Shadows: OFF (set to OFF any shadow setting)

Leave the other settings be. Anything more than this will impair you greatly in combat as the framerate slows to a crawl.

I'll post screenshots later. (The image here is from the site.) If you played Morrowind, then you'd know why I just had to play this game.

Oh, and Patrick Stewart (Capt. Picard) did the voice-over for Emperor Uriel Septim. ;)

A little perspective

2006-04-21T13:11:00.000+08:00

I just want to share this. It happened 6 years ago but I just found out about it now. This is from John Carmack's (nonetheless) .plan (blog) file:

3/27/00
-------
Two years ago, Id was contacted by the Startlight Foundation, an organization
that tries to grant wishes to seriously ill kids. (www.starlight.org)

There was a young man with Hodgkin's Lymphoma that, instead of wanting to go
to Disneyland or other traditional wishes, wanted to visit Id and talk with
me about programming.

It turned out that Seumas McNally was already an accomplished developer.
His family company, Longbow Digital Arts (www.longbowdigitalarts.com), had
been doing quite respectably selling small games directly over the internet.
It bore a strong resemblance to the early shareware days of Apogee and Id.

We spent the evening talking about graphics programmer things -- the relative
merits of voxels and triangles, procedurally generated media, level of detail
management, API and platforms.

We talked at length about the balance between technology and design, and all
the pitfalls that lie in the way of shipping a modern product.

We also took a dash out in my ferrari, thinking "this is going to be the best
excuse a cop will ever hear if we get pulled over".

Longbow continued to be successful, and eventually the entire family was
working full time on "Treadmarks", their new 3D tank game.

Over email about finishing the technology in Treadmarks, Seumas once said
"I hope I can make it". Not "be a huge success" or "beat the competition".
Just "make it".

That is a yardstick to measure oneself by.

It is all too easy to lose your focus or give up with just the ordinary
distractions and disappointments that life brings. This wasn't ordinary.
Seumas had cancer. Whatever problems you may be dealing with in your life,
they pale before having problems drawing your next breath.

He made it.

Treadmarks started shipping a couple months ago, and was entered in the
Independent Games Festival at the Game Developer's Conference this last month.
It came away with the awards for technical excellence, game design, and the
grand prize.

I went out to dinner with the McNally family the next day, and had the
opportunity to introduce Anna to them. One of the projects at Anna's new
company, Fountainhead Entertainment (www.fountainheadent.com), is a
documentary covering gaming, and she had been looking forward to meeting
Seumas after hearing me tell his story a few times. The McNallys invited
her to bring a film crew up to Canada and talk with everyone whenever she
could.

Seumas died the next week.

I am proud to have been considered an influence in Seumas' work, and I think
his story should be a good example for others. Through talent and
determination, he took something he loved and made a success out of it in
many dimensions.

http://www.gamedev.net/community/memorial/seumas/ for more information.

Unlimited gold

2006-04-21T11:22:00.000+08:00

Based from Miriam's list.

1. Vacation house and farm lot for my parents in Coron, Palawan
2. A house/pad in either New York or London
3. An art degree that can get me in a CG job for film, animation or games
4. Plane tickets, visa/immigration stuff to get me, Grish and Nathan to my desired residence abroad
5. Our dream wedding

Smack dab right in the face

2006-04-21T10:17:00.000+08:00

When Cube was going down, I was coincidentally contacted by Viventis Search. They wanted me for a position in E-Commerce Percs. The agent was not able to give me any pertinent corporate information except for the fact that they wanted me for my experience in mobile game development. I researched all I could about the company but found nothing. I get suspicious of start-ups, most especially those who cannot even bother to put a website up.

Now, lo and behold what E-Commerce Percs is cooking up:

Startup game firm getting ready for major rollout
First posted 02:55am (Mla time) April 20, 2006
By Alexander Villafania
INQ7.net

Startup game firm E-Commerce Percs (ECP) is aggressively building up its business in the Philippines by hiring more people and laying out its local and international marketing strategies.
The company has so far spent 500,000 US dollars for its initial operations, which started late last year and is set to spend another 1 million US dollars for its operations.

ECP Chairman Robert M. Wachtel told INQ7.net in an interview that ECP’s model would focus on different fronts, namely distribution, licensing and development on the PC and mobile platform. He explained that this allows the company to maximize revenue generation from different game industry areas.

While holding its headquarters in the Philippines, Wachtel said the company will also deal with distribution channels in several foreign markets, including the US, Japan, Korea and several European countries.

He claims he has partnerships and distribution deals with various mobile game development houses located in these countries. The games will be distributed both locally and in other countries.

Likewise, Wachtel said he has already hired about 70 people in its Ortigas Center office, largely for its game development division. “This group would be dedicated on producing games for the PC and mobile platforms.”

Already, the company is developing an online game called “Power Petto,” which highlights pet lovers and will be the company’s flagship product.

He said he has presented an early version of the game to Hasbro Interactive President Thomas Dusenberry for a possible worldwide distribution.

“The game would be made available simultaneously in different locations worldwide and the beauty of this is that players from all over the world can play together online,” Wachtel said.

Wachtel added that “Power Petto,” which would be launched in September, would also have a mobile component allowing players to continue their game through their mobile phones.

He also said the development team in the Philippines will be busy developing a PC-based fighting game as well as a music-related online game, both of which would be introduced late this year.

©2006 www.inq7.net all rights reserved

I turned down the interview. I already learned the lesson of not jumping to conclusions about a company BEFORE you see them but I don't know what got into me to have turned this down. Well, they are still a startup but holy crap...holy crap, indeed. I could still be doing the thing I most wanted.

Tangina. Yun lang.

(And jeez, what kind of game company would call themselves, "E-commerce Percs"??? What the hell is a "perc" anyway?!)

Clean!

2006-04-20T17:22:00.000+08:00

Finally! A clean template! Minimalist yet modern.

Until the next template! :)

Jobs and CSI

2006-04-18T12:14:00.000+08:00

(It's one of those writing spree days...)

Cherry's post reminds me of a snippet from a book I browsed before. It's a book about having the career you want and how to win it in interviews. The snippet said something like, "You are not your job.", and that it is important for a person to disassociate himself and his sense of being from his career and/or what he does for a living. It was also said there that interestingly, the people who are most successful in their jobs were those who are not greatly attached to their jobs, who do not "label" themselves based on their jobs, and thus are comfortable in going through several different types of jobs in their lifetime. Whatever career you can come up with from jumping from one job to another beats the hell out of me. But the author may just have a point.

If you wanna take it to the Buddhist extreme, nothing is permanent.

Which brings me to CSI. (I have just watched the entire first season, so bear with me.) There are three characters there that represent three of the most common approaches to a job: Grissom, Catherine, and the sheriff. Grissom represents a character entirely detached from his job. True, he is the most dedicated, but his dedication comes from the fact that the job simply needs to get done. No emotional attachments whatsoever, he does not work for a "career" or for self-affirmation, but just doing his part within the system, which of course, barring any emotional/human attachment he thinks would ultimately reveal the "right way" of doing things, the way things "ought to be" apart from the system's corruption, or more simply, the "truth". This is why he and the sheriff are at odds since the latter is at the other end of the spectrum. The sheriff represents the conceit and self-oriented approach some people take with their jobs. These people fail to see the job at hand, or the greater picture as to WHY the job needs to be done, or how their efforts contribute to the greater whole. Instead they persist in doing what they do to promote their own interests, to gain God knows what, and even at the expense of what they where asked to do in the first place.

In the middle ground is Catherine. Striking a balance, she is aware of her contributions to the system and to the "greater picture" and "greater good", while at the same time derives an equal amount of affirmation for herself. This affirmation and securing an identity or sense of being through her job is also brought about by the fact that she is raising a daughter, whom she feels deserves some positive influence especially from her.

So. (Whew.) What approach do YOU take? There is no right and wrong. I guess a person does not take a single approach and live it throughout his entire life. I believe everyone jumps from one approach to the other depending on circumstances. Some I would bet, make several shifts in a single day. Just as I do.

Gutom na ko. I should've taken psychology.

Saving Empire at War

2006-04-18T09:10:00.000+08:00

I cannot, for the life of me, get over the bad review that Hackenslash gave to Star Wars: Empire at War. When I read the review I was shocked to see how they gave it a bad impression, calling it a "casualty of war". While at that time I have not been able to play the game yet, I have followed it from its preview stages to its gold release, and I must say that the game was touted to be a major improvement over past SW RTS games, not to mention a highly anticipated one.

Sure, I have my bias since I'm a Star Wars fan. But reading that Hackenslash review made me realize what posers these guys are. Not only they satisfy themselves with short reviews, they manage to exclude any sort of depth or objectivity. I know it's not right for me to conclude, but that review reminded me of how equally measly Gamesmaster reviews are. It appears the Philippines - in its desire to jump into the gaming bandwagon - had fallen to that usual tendency of quantity over quality. Gaming journalists, my ass.

Last night, I was able to pick up EOW. While I have only played through the tutorial and the first mission, I have to say that it exceeded expectations. True, I have not played RTS, let alone PC, games in a while. I have not even played Warhammer yet, which I heard offered something different. But I had a taste of Rome: Total War and Age of Empires 3, recognizing the different game design elements that were put forward to spice up the dying genre. When I played EOW, it blew me away, not entirely because of the graphics and cinematic effect, but because of the game design.

There is nothing more strategic than running a full campaign. Sure, you can call yourself an RTS guru when you can defeat the AI in all the single (or even multi) player maps of Warcraft 3. But that is tactics my friend. Take the battle in the whole context of a war lets you play real strategy. From experience I have known Total War and Rise of Nations to take this approach. Although quite expected since Star Wars always involved star systems, EOW took this approach as well but it has extended it to include some of the elements that were introduced way back in Star Wars: Rebellion, i.e. bounty hunters stealing cash, droids stealing technology, heroes, etc.

I have not gone through the whole game so I'm not going to write a review. I just want to share that I liked what I saw and played. One more thing is that units, instead of popping up beside structures when you build them, will be pooled as
"reinforcements" which you can call in strategic locations in the land/space maps. This ups the ante of strategy completely and eases a lot of micromanagement from the player part (where in the past has to guide troops from structure to target).

I have yet to play it all throughout but at this point, if you read this far, then
I must assume you're a gamer. For goodness sakes, get EOW and play it. I intended to give Hackenslash a piece of my mind but someone beat me to it. God bless the real gamers out there.

New rig!

2006-04-11T12:54:00.000+08:00

After 7 years, I finally got an upgrade from my dusty, clunking Pentium3. Now, I'm the proud owner of an AMD Athlon64 3000+ with 1GB RAM and..and...well, no other fancy spec to brag about yet. I'm still content in using the integrated GeForce 6100. And so far, it exceeded my expectations as it can run Quake4 at 640-res and at MEDIUM settings. Not bad for an integrated vidcard. In comparison, I can only play Quake4 in my old ePLDT rig (P4 2.8, 512MB, GeForce 5200) in the LOWEST DETAIL setting.

Now, I can dynamically see the clouds go grey and change the scenery in NFS Most Wanted. What joy! :D

The only game I'm looking forward to play (and finish!) on the Xbox now is Ninja Gaiden.

Next to buys: 7-series Nvidia card and 17-inch flat-screen monitor. Now all I need is a freelance gig.

Tagged!

2006-04-11T08:45:00.000+08:00

Tagged by Miriam.

four jobs i've had in my life:

1. programmer
2. writer
3. web designer
4. supervisor

four movies i would watch over and over:

1. Empire Strikes Back
2. Return of the Jedi
3. Revenge of the Sith

four places i have lived:

1. Manila
2. Las Pinas
3.
4.

four tv show i love to watch:

1. Grey's Anatomy
2. Band of Brothers
3. Taken
4. Justice League / Unlimited

four places i have been to on vacation:

1. Singapore (vacation na din un)
2. Puerto Galera
3. Tagaytay
4. My room (I don't get out much.)

four websites i visit daily:

1. Joystiq
2. Engadget
3. CNN
4. Gamespot

four of my favorite foods:

1. Paella
2. Clam chowder
3. Crabstick sushi
4. French toast

four places i would rather be right now:

1. Home (bago pc e)
2. In a hammock under a tree in Tagaytay
3. some serene beach in Bohol
4. New York

four people i'm going to tag:

1. Je
2. Joy
3. Tseri
4. George

Continuous Partial Attention

2006-04-06T08:52:00.000+08:00

An ex-executive from both Apple and Microsoft has coined a new term for a condition prevalent in our current digital society. I'm sure you've experienced Continuous Partial Attention one way or another. It's the dis-ability to remain focused on a particular activity or frame of thought as we are constantly barraged by e-mails and instant messages, and that need to constantly Google whatever it is that may strike our fancy at any given time.

If you want to know more, it's in the latest issue of Newsweek. I'd like to talk more about this but reading the article made me evaluate my work habits. On this notion, I'd like to paint a colorful picture of what my day is like in Spoon/Cube. Note that this is based from my observations of MY work habits...well, maybe with some sprinklings of what I have observed from others. ;)

HOW MUCH OF THE 8-HOUR DAY DID YOU REALLY SPEND WORKING? (A typical day in Locsin)

9:00-10:00 AM -- "Breakfast tayo"
As soon as you arrive, you get the urge to invite someone for breakfast OR get invited yourself. You can't simply pass the chance to "reconnect" with your work buddies even if you constantly see each other everyday.

10:00-11:00 AM -- "Email"
Time to answer the demanding emails of work. But depending on the amount of email you get, you always tend to sneak in a few extra minutes surfing the news. Suddenly, you're a devourer of information - local news, politics, gadget news, tech and games. When something strikes you, you copy, paste and send the article to the network email. This hour is also peppered with the usual morning IM messages from far-off friends - "Good morning!", "Aga mo ah!", "Work ka na?" - which would start 2-3 chat screens of pleasant exchanges.

11:00- "Off to work I go"
You look at your watch and start to panic at the time. It's 11:00 already? Ambilis naman talaga ng oras, oo. I just got here! So you fire up your IDE and try to get your frame of mind back to where you left your code off yesterday. But it takes a while for the mind to warm up so you randomly open a few more tabs in your Firefox, chat with a little more IM buddies, answer a few more IP messages...

11:30- "Early lunch"
Hmmm. 30 minutes before lunch. If you haven't done so during the past couple of hours, you'd suddenly get off your chair and for no logical reason, you step inside the incubation room, hoping to chat with the people inside. You know, try to see how they're doing - chat about the latest games, crucify superiors, and what not. Well, it's close to lunch anyway so you plump on the couch, read a couple of magazines and wait till lunch hour comes. OR, if it's a BIG day, start with the early lunch in Glorietta or Greenbelt.

12:00-1:30 "Lunch break"
Nothing else to do but eat. The interesting part is what happens from 1:00 to 1:30. After eating, you find the urge to go malling for a few minutes, check out some gadgets, comics, games. You find your buddies thinking the same thing. "Una na kayo ha, may dadaanan pa ko." "Cge, may babayaran lang ako". You did not even have the sense to realize that the walk back to the office will take you another 30 minutes and so you arrive at the big ePLDT glass doors at approximately..

2:00-4:00 "Now the work begins"
Ah yes, now you REALLY have to work. It's 2pm - 3 hours - before 5pm and you realize you havent done anything! Surprise, surprise. You even find yourself shouting, "Ahhh! 2 o clock na! Wala pa ko nagagawa!" But try as you might to get your mind to work, you're too sleepy and unfocused. So you go to the washroom to rub off the cobwebs OR rush to the pantry for some coffee. On the way back you notice one of your coworkers playing a game(!) and you stop by and remark, "OK yan ah. Pakopya." 2:45, you find yourself back in your seat and now some YM windows pop up cramming for your attention. Before you know it, it's...

4:00-5:00 "MINISTOP"
Despite your inability to keep a schedule, you have been blessed by nature to have this internal alarm system that when the time strikes at exactly 4pm, your body shakes, you slam the keyboard and shout, "Ministop!" Whether for coffee or snacks, you pull people away from their PCs just to make them come with you to your daily sugar rush. The intended 30-minute trip down and back becomes one hour as you don't really go back to your seat at 4:30, but eat your snack at the incubation room until the clock strikes...

5:00-5:30 "Another attempt to work"
You feel ashamed that you find you haven't really finished anything today. So half of your brain is thinking, finish what you can today, while the other half is saying, put it off for tomorrow, work better tomorrow and just check email. So that's what you do. But then, just when you finally find the willpower and the focus to code, somebody shouts, "SERVER UP"

5:30-8:00 "DOTA"
It's amazing to see how some people with deadlines would try to fight the urge to play. But in the end, Dota wins. Whether Dota or some other game, 5:30-8:00 was everyone's time to play. Well, you always INTEND to work AFTER Dota so it's OK. OR, you just shrug your shoulders and say, "Sige na nga, one game lang."

8:00-9:00
That one game led to three and before you know it, you're too hungry and tired to get back to work. The most resilient of you can really find the willpower to stay in the office and work till the wee hours but most would pack their bags and rush to make the last MRT trip.

Ah, 12 fun-filled hours. Can you figure out how many hours you spent on actual work? :) Nah, not everyday is like this. But it's pretty darn close.

This is not a wake-up call. I just wanna make fun of us. But for some people who are pushing 30 (ahem), this behavior is quite shameful. I just hope that I will not repeat this in my current job.

(Written from 8:30-9:30 am.)

More powerful than a locomotive

2006-03-20T12:46:00.000+08:00

Grish and I have started attending Pre-Cana* (hope I spelled that right) counseling sessions. It's a sort of pre-marriage discernment talks with a family psychologist which aim to root out potential issues and essentially figure out if the couple should really get married.

I had a great time and Grish was really surprised to see that 80% of the time, I was the one doing the talking. :) She always thought that the whole thing would freak me out. I can't wait to have another session again.

What struck me was what Myrna (our counselor, 30 years married) said about our situation with my dad. She said that it really seems that my father's pride and convictions are strong - but God is stronger. God's love is so powerful that if our relationship is tuned to God's plan and within God's will, no force in the universe can stop it. And that my father's prejudices is nothing compared to what God will do to change his heart.

Like I said, I can't wait for the next session.

* Cana - Referring to the biblical "Wedding in Cana".

Heartbreaks

2006-03-18T09:13:00.000+08:00

This morning is a real pain. I thought things would get better with me and my dad, or maybe I'm just expecting too much from him. I simply can't expect him to jump around or act like he's not upset when he's being confounded by the fact that the relationship I have now is for keeps.

But god, it really really hurts when a person you respect above ALL OTHERS, the one whose approval you have constantly sought after, cannot even engage in a simple thing as small talk. We drove for 45 minutes from the house to the hotel without saying anything. Well, I did try to start conversations (how I'm going to Singapore next week, how I'm concerned about his hurting arm), but he just managed to end them after a couple of exchanges. When he got down from the car, a "tambay" in front of the hotel greeted him and he flashed a winning smile to that man.

At that moment, that guy suddenly became the most envied man in the world. I felt my envy grow as big as China. Then I swallowed hard, drove away, and wondered when will I ever see my father smile at me like that again.

How does that line go again?

"I find it hard to believe...that suffering is what you get for living..."

(Hard to Believe, Eraserheads)

Reverting back to previous build

2006-02-16T07:20:00.000+08:00

Finally, a spare time to blog.

Working at Colibria has allowed me to reboot my life. Well, its not really that drastic and it's not really a full reboot. I didn't find myself back in pre-school. It's more of getting back to a lifestyle I had 6 years back - a significantly rewarding and challenging IT job, a more-than-decent salary, and enough free time and thought to get into core interests.

Firstly, now, I only let myself enjoy games, unlike before where there is a part of myself "wishing" I could program such a game. I realized that despite all my plans to move beyond Aramith before, all I really accomplished was the wishing part. Now, I'm expecting less from myself, not because I consider my past months a failure, but more because I realized I've been grabbing at myself too tightly.

That didn't sound right. But come to think of it, yes, it IS something to that effect. If you hold on too tightly, pain takes over pleasure. For me, I'd still like the latter, thank you.

Taking it a step further, I've been playing the games I've played 6 years ago, and the effect is so surreal. So my nights (at least last week's) were filled with running classic Unreal Tournament and SNES roms.

Secondly, I noticed a change in how I browse through books in a bookstore now. For the past few years I have felt my interest in science fiction and fantasy dying. I'd always find myself thinking "What's the point?" and "I need something more productive to spend my time on.". That was why most of the books I bought before were mostly business books, marketing books, books on investing and personal finance - stuff like that. Though I do not regret buying them, the feeling of a renewed surge of interest just by looking at the cover of R.A. Salvatore's The Two Swords is something akin to meeting an old friend.

Somehow, my days now are more relaxed, less strained and stressed. And I'm amazed that I can feel it physically. Right now, I delight waking up in the morning, unlike before when my body would actually hurt in places and a numbing headache would be breakfast for me.

So I guess it's all for the better. I only wish days like this would stretch on to months and years. It may not be a total warm boot, but (for the programmers out there) just a going back to a previous build - a version of the app more stable than the current one where we introduced a lot of features but incidentally caused the app to crash as well.

Goodbye ePLDT (for the 2nd time)

2006-01-31T14:38:00.000+08:00

When I returned to ePLDT a year ago to pursue a direction that has consistently been calling to me, I have told myself that this might be it - that job and/or company that will take me through the rest of my single years and last me through a considerable portion of my married life before I retire or set up my own business. I had to accept back then with a deep breath that yes, there may come a time when I would be the only one who will be left in e- as I would expect people to move on to "better" careers and all that.

Turns out I was a little naive back then. Yes, I would've still considered staying. Only a real massive change and turn of events would make me decide to go. Guess what, that massive change DID happen. No, I did not really think that the games business of e- will forever be there. I can understand if and when management would decide to suddenly drop that out, which they did. What has stricken me most was that after a full year, the people at the top SIMPLY DO NOT KNOW WHAT THEY ARE DOING.

Seriously.

A fresh grad straight out of a computer science or business/technology management degree armed with a solid business model would know better. He/she would probably know better what the business is (what widgets to build, how to build it, how to sell it, who the customers/markets are, fulfillment, delivery, payment methods, etc.) and where it is supposed to go.

I have long since ceased my attempts to figure things out as to why things happened the way they do. I have long since accepted the stupidity and incapability(?) of some people - including myself, mind you. It is with that acceptance comes the realization that you can only take so much bullshit in your professional life.

It's time to move on and hope for better circumstances. Better yet, it's time to work ourselves and BE better persons out of what happened. Good luck to those who will be left behind - though I honestly think they should really JUST STOP, look around and really figure out a way how to move forward with what meager resources they have left.

One last bash. I thought these people cannot get any more stupid. But the fact that no one has cared to count how many people are left and compare it with how many services are left running is a blatant indication of how incapable these people are in terms of management.

Like I said, a fresh grad would know better.

Dito lang talaga sa Pilipinas yumayaman ang bobo...

Affirmations

2006-01-16T17:06:00.000+08:00

Last Saturday, I bought (and finished!) Robert Kiyosaki's book, Before You Quit Your Job. The book is about what to consider before taking on the entreprenurial challenge, and explains in detail the differences of a person with an Employee mindset with a person with an Entrepreneur mindset. It's really a good read and I highly recommend it, especially for those who want to build their own business/es.

What struck me most was that my Cubic Lesson Learned # 4 was affirmed. If you remember, Lesson # 4 was:

4. Nothing beats working for a just cause. It could be to entertain, improve productivity and efficiency, simplify tedious tasks, or ultimately to serve. Working for causes like dominance, money or power is the greatest misuse of the talents the Divine has granted you. If you cannot identify the just cause behind your business, you might as well shut it down.

In Robert's book, he clearly advocated and promoted the creation of business around worthwhile pursuits. He strongly believes that profit alone is not the end-all, be-all of a business. A business may succeed, yes, but the returns (what he calls Spritual Profit) may not be as fulfilling as initially expected. I'm thankful that I did not have to go through a lot (or lose a lot of money) to learn that lesson. I'm also glad that at least one lesson in my list has been proven true and justified by an established billionaire nonetheless.

And to that pitiful person who looked down on us people who "fell in love with our jobs", let me just say, "HAH!". Keep picking your nose, mother****er.

Constructive Confrontation

2006-01-10T17:51:00.000+08:00

In Intel's corporate culture, they have this value and exercise called Constructive Confrontation. It's a very convenient yet civil way to point out mistakes, air out differences, and address the issue at hand before it grows big enough to harm productivity and efficiency. With this practice, you can easily talk to anyone in the organization and air out your concerns or even tell the other party out front that you dislike the way his nose sticks out.

Of course, it's never encouraged to talk about personal matters, but rather use the opportunity to tackle the "issue, not the person". But I have seen a similar "personal" example in the training material, and I would assume that some people have also used constructive confrontation in much the same way.

I would say that was one of the things I really admired about Intel. People think and say what they mean. People get hurt I'm sure, but in the end, mediocrity is rooted out. The scenario is very unlike the "normal" corporate culture where, when somebody fails, they just stick it under the rug. When problems occur, they dilly-dally thinking of high faluting terms to describe the problem while ignoring the voices of the ones who know what the problem is, or even fail to look at themselves as potential causes of such problems.

What I cannot really stomach are times when the superior and the subordinate who made a mistake can just laugh it all off.

OK, fine. So maybe they HAVE talked about it. Chalk it up to "praise in public, criticize in private". But with the way the mistake has been going, I really don't think there was any criticism at all.

Which again leads me to barfing. PUNYETA, how can you people even fucking laugh? NAKAKATULOG KA PA BA SA GABI???

Ah, perhaps not as paranoid as me, huh? Well, only the paranoid survive. Another Intel trait.

Cubic Lessons Learned (part 2)

2005-12-09T10:40:00.000+08:00

Mahirap talaga malaman kung saan ang pagitan ng pagiging bisor at pagiging kaibigan. Kapag sinobrahan mo ang pagiging bisor, mawawalan ng amor sa iyo ang mga tao. Mahirap bumuo ng mga pagkakaibigan. Kapag sinobrahan mo naman ang pagiging mapagpalakaibigan, unti-unti namang mawawala ang respeto. Bawat lusot sa patakaran ay nagiging sampal sa mukha sa iyo at sa inako mong tungkulin.

Minsan, iniisip mo kung bakit ganon. Hindi naman na bata ang mga taong ito. Hindi rin naman manhid. Marunong naman makiramdam.

Bakit doon sa nakaraan kong trabaho, naging magkaibigan kami ng bisor ko. Kahit magmurahan kami, kahit magkwentuhan na kami ng personal, kahit kulang na lang e magtulakan kami sa koridor, kahit sumasablay sya sa trabaho nya, kahit may mga pagkakataon na mas may alam ako sa kanya -- hindi nawala ang respeto ko sa kanya. Kahit kailan, hindi ko ginamit ang katwiran na, "OK lang naman sa kanya e", kahit alam naming lahat sa grupo na talagang OK lang talaga.

Kahit kailan, kahit pabiro ay hindi ko sinabing peke syang bisor.

Sa ganitong aspeto ng pagiging bisor, bigo nga ba ako? Sadyang walang simple sa buhay. Buti pa sigurong magsulat na lang.

Cubic Lessons Learned

2005-12-06T18:47:00.000+08:00

1. To be able to sell to the right people (and not just to people who are just are ignorant as you), you have to know what you are selling. If not, you simply owe whatever selling prowess you have to the saying, "A fool and his money are soon parted."

2. Nothing beats focus. Henry Sy did not start by selling store spaces, nor did Andy Grove "diversify" early into providing chips for calculators. Every journey starts in the first step, and giving your focus on that first step will see you through the next one, and the next one after that.

3. (A derivative of #2) For a startup, dominance does not apply. With limited resources, you cannot do EVERYTHING. But you can do SOMETHING. Trying everything and hoping one would work out is a sure way of driving your business to the tar pits.

4. Nothing beats working for a just cause. It could be to entertain, improve productivity and efficiency, simplify tedious tasks, or ultimately to serve. Working for causes like dominance, money or power is the greatest misuse of the talents the Divine has granted you. If you cannot identify the just cause behind your business, you might as well shut it down.

5. Leadership is about looking down, not up. You cannot possibly lead while setting your sights at the next higher position in the ladder. A business where every one is looking up gets steered in the worst of directions.

6. Focusing on what's right with the world doesn't mean ignoring the wrongs. Positive thinking is transforming the negatives into positives. You can't do that without even knowing what the negatives are.

7. Last-minute changes are indeed facts of life, but those that we attribute to life and fate are the ones we cannot control. Last-minute changes within the realm of our control are simply evidences of poor foresight, planning and communication.

8. If people of exceptional backgrounds, intellect and character did not find it in themselves to stay in a company, whatever reasons they have must truly be valid. Learn from the instincts of wiser men.

I just had to write these down. My list keeps growing longer everyday.

Errata

2005-11-18T15:02:00.000+08:00

In #20 in the 20 facts about myself, I openly declared that I'm working for the money and not for the work. I feel I need to correct that and explain myself.

While that statement is true NOW, it has not ALWAYS been true. Upon reading that item, people may realize that I just came back because the pay is better and that I took the job even though I know I will hate the work, the company, or the nature of the entire business. On the contrary and in all honesty, I came back because I thought I would be closer to the aspect of the industry I wanted to work on - mobile and interactive entertainment. Sure, the pay is better (who among us takes a pay cut?). It has to be for me to consider it in the first place. But a large part of my decision I attribute to the fact that I wanted to go back to mobile and games.

Unfortunately, at the time that I made my 20 Facts list, things have changed. Though I am in mobile and working within the games and general mobile apps space, things have evolved into a stressful and deplorable scenario that compelled me to write #20 as it is now.

I still love what I do. I still hope for the best. But there are aspects and situations now that, if not for the stability of the money, would made me leave altogether.

Wala lang.

So what am I saying? That following what you think you should be doing is hopeless since it'll end up being trashed? No. I'm saying that in taking that path you think is right, you should take into account some unknowns, and accept that they happen.

Moore's Law in a life scale.

Future Potential Over Monetary Gain

2005-11-06T10:52:00.000+08:00

You can find that in Your Roadmap for Success by John Maxwell. I breezed through the book this weekend. The book in its entirety speaks of a message I've heard a thousand times before (and which I haven't acted on), but the anecdotes and quotes were priceless. One was something I remember from my younger years.

When I was little - around 3 years old, I think - we had this inspirational poster in our old house in Tondo. My family, especially my aunts, were obsessed with such posters. You know, the kind that shows majestic landscapes and heart-warming sunsets. I guess this was so because at that time, they got into some born-again ministries. Anyway, I can't remember it clearly but it's either my mom or one of my aunts had read to me the quote in one of those posters, and she sternly told me that whenever I pass by the poster, I should read (or at least try to read) the words. Everytime she got the chance, she would wrap her arms around me, pull me up so I could face the poster, and together we would recite the words.

"The only great thing in this world is not so much where we stand, but in what direction we are moving."

My 3-year-old mind could not possibly fathom the meaning of those words. And that mantra that was injected in my head for a year or so, began to fade.

Until I found it again in John Maxwell's book. The emotion of having to go through the words again in my head was indescribable. I'd like to say it's like finding an old friend - but that's too cheesy and it's really so much more than that. It's as if a dam burst forth in my head and the ease of which I have known the words just washed over my entire being.

And now, I can understand what the words mean and amazingly, it's plays a big part of the resolution to the big fork in the road in my life right now. From where I stand and the direction which I'm going, I tried to see what lies at the end of that road. And yes, I could be rich. But at that point, probably 20 or 30 years from now, I'm quite sure I will still wonder what if - and I believe that makes the journey not worth doing, and the safe path not worth taking.

Tagged!

2005-10-27T19:03:00.000+08:00

Got tagged by Debbie for this. Write 20 random facts about yourself then tag the same amount of people as minutes it takes you to write the facts. Here goes:

1. I'm overweight.
2. I sleep better on my stomach, with the fan in front of my face.
3. Before I go to sleep, I...I...I read a book while lying down. ;)
4. While I dress for work, I watch reruns of Friends.
5. I'm scared of hospitals.
6. My greatest fantasy is to become a rockstar.
7. I got my first peek at a girl's underwear when I was in Grade 3. And it was my crush's.
8. I agree I look like Shrek. And I like looking like an ogre. Doesn't mean I wanna keep it that way, though.
9. I hated the Lord of the Rings books. Found them hard to read.
10. I'm an only child.
11. I learned smoking just so I can get close to this girl I really liked.
12. Which reminds me. I'm a sucker for women who already have significant others.
13. I'm a programmer. But I have serious doubts if I'm good at it. I think I'm just lucky.
14. My favorite color is NOT red. It's black.
15. I got a lot of signals that there was something wrong with my health - but I ignored them. So far, they all went away in time.
16. In high school, I always imagined and sketched a nude woman with a short hair and dark skin. Now, my girlfriend has the exact same features.
17. I keep a busted guitar on top of my cabinet.
18. I have two cats: one black and one white. The black one likes me better and sleeps on my foot everytime I eat at the dinner table.
19. I value my personal space. I cannot not have a day in a week all to myself.
20. I'm working for the money - not for the work.

I'm tagging Ther, Cherry, Ryan, Joy, Bryan, Lawrence, Miriam and MRT.

Same boat

2005-10-21T16:17:00.000+08:00

Like riding ordinary, non-aircon buses, taking a cab and chatting with the driver is one of those things that allow me to connect with the masses. Not to say that I'm rich but I think that with my education and my job, my standard of living is a little above what most of our fellow citizens enjoy - or is that endure?

Last night at about midnight I took a cab on my way home. There was nothing unusual about the driver, except that I sensed a certain humility in him. With the usual white towel over his shoulders, his unbuttoned white shirt, he kicked fourth gear and we were out of Makati in an instant. I don't remember how our chat started exactly, but I get unnaturally chatty with strangers when I'm a little drunk so maybe perhaps I was the one who started it. All I remember is that we suddenly got to talking about how his life is faring as a cab driver.

"Pang-gabi ka ba talaga?"

"Bente-kwatro oras ako ngayon, ser."

I was a bit puzzled by that - how on earth can you work straight. Maybe he meant he had to work long hours - all through the night - at that time.

"Mahirap na nga ngayon, ser, e. Sobrang taas na ng gasolina. Di na ko maka-boundary. Tapos meron pa yang e-vat na yan. Sobra na talaga."

"Oo nga, e. Buti sana kung maayos nilang makokolekta. Kaso malamang mapupunta rin naman yan sa mga politiko e. Yayaman pa lalo ang mayayaman. Ang mahihirap, lalong nababaon."

"Sinabi nyo pa, ser. Dati-dati, nakakabili pa ako ng ulam para maiuwi sa misis ko. Ngayon, wala na."

I was simply struck with those words. I work with people rich enough to hunt wild goats in Iran and Austria, and now I see a man who find it hard to bring home some little food to his family. And as we talked, I began to learn how these people struggle every single day, not just against poverty, but against their personal, deep-seated envy - their daily struggle to keep their integrity and self-respect intact as they live daily in a society where the rich get richer and the poor get poorer.

"Dapat talaga si Lacson na lang ang nanalo. Nung si Lacson pa yung presidente, puta, wala talagang kotong-kotong, ser. Dati nung hindi pa chip sa Lacson, dagsaan ang mga tambay na pulis sa ilalim ng flyover sa expressway. Laking hirap sa pakiusapan yun. Pero nung chip na sya, nalinis. Nawala lahat."

I was not surprised, there. I mean, can we really blame them? In their simple minds and sensitivities, it's perfectly natural to trust people who, despite their rash and violent reputations, consistently get the job done. The end justifies the means. I wasn't even surprised when he went to the next level. Something I hear often from the poor...

"Iba talaga nung panahon ni Marcos. Tingin ko talaga, hindi magnanakaw yun e. Kung nagnakaw man sya, hindi siguro sa taumbayan. Sa mga negosyante sya nagnakaw. Yang mga flyover na yan sa EDSA? Yang MRT? Plano naman nya lahat yan e."

And ignoring the fact that during the dictator's term, close to 10,000 people "disappeared"? For this man, I guess he couldn't care less. In my half-drunk mind, I suddenly pondered if Marcos really employed Machiavellian tactics and if so, where the hell did he go wrong?

For what it's worth, I'm glad this man doesn't even consider Susan or Erap as "saviors" of their condition. I guess he's a little smarter than the rest of the masa. But it's really an eye-opener to see, and sympathize, with our less fortunate brothers. After all, we're all in the same boat.

Something should really be done to help this people get better lives. If not for them, at least for their children.

Beginnings

2005-10-10T11:04:00.000+08:00

A gust of wind swirled past my face as the tavern door opened. A man was under the door, cloaked in darkened leather and drenched wet from the torrent outside. From a distance, I cannot make out his face and I did not care. To me, he was as plain as any one of the laborers seeking a respite from a day’s work at the docks. So I went on my way, down to the cellars. Branden will have a fit if I don’t get those bottles out in time.

The stairs leading to the cellar below were old and rickety, and I would bet a shinnie that any ordinary man would most likely break these wooden planks at the first step. Branden must really be warming up to the idea that an elf can indeed prove to be useful here. I found myself at the damp cellar without as much as the swirling of dust to mark my steps.

“Hurry up down there, Drae! T’someone here to see ya!”, shouted Branden from above.

“In a moment!”

Strange, indeed. No one has simply shown up in the Crimson Mermaid to “see me” for the past two years. Not that I don’t appreciate the thought but – I am supposed to be in hiding and enjoying my retirement.

Branden was wiping glasses dry as I stowed the bottle crates of ale beside him. “That cloaked one there, the one who just stepped in a few minutes ago – he wants a word with ya.”, he said, as he gestured his head towards the man. Now that I got a second look at him, I noticed the cloak was not leather but dark purple velvet. His right hand was adorned with a familiar large silver signet ring.

I walked past a couple of tables and eased into a seat in front of the man, who was still shrouded in his cloak. He did not even move an inch as I approached. Perhaps I should break the ice then.

“What business does the House of Desani want with me?”, I asked.

The man glanced for a moment at his ring, breathed deep and pulled back his cloak. Gray hair streamed down straight from his head to his shoulders. Clean-shaven and pale, my visitor was old yet still bore enough integrity in his eyes to quickly dampen his surprise and look at me straight with them.

“You must understand, Kelvan Goch, that you will always be at the employ of the great houses – wherever in Rynn you may decide to hide.”

“You must be mistaken. My name is Drae ---“

“Do not mistake me for a fool, Kelvan. My master has paid a great deal to track you down to this – this putrid hole of yours. And we are well aware of how the Guild’s agents work. Surely you didn’t believe you can stay hidden away forever?”, he smirked.

In one sweep I looked across the tavern. I’m not worried at all that we might be heard. We are – literally – oceans away from my past. But if the man is here alone, I’m curious as to how he would pull off an arrest. This could prove to be interesting.

“House Desani has no interest in seeing you rot in the dungeons, Kelvan. May I call you ‘Kelvan’ now?”, he mocked with a despicable grin. “But where are my manners? I am Janus, Chief Counsel to Lord Marcus Desani. The house has a proposition for you.”

Either Marcus has gone stupid by sending a diplomat to arrest me, or this Janus is simply telling the truth. In any case, that one there across the floor, and that one in the bar talking to Branden, are definitely House guards ---

“-- for my protection, of course. We are quite a way off from Salucia.” He took a sip from his glass. “We CAN read minds, you know.”

Eyes, I’ve heard, but not minds. “I’m retired. And as Wynter may have told you, I have left the Guild. I’m not interested in whatever House Desani has to offer.”

Janus set his glass down the hardened table and cleared his throat.

“Even if it is your sister?”

Eyes on the Ball

2005-09-28T10:54:00.000+08:00

For the past 7 months, my eyes have not been on the ball. In fact, right now, as I'm writing this, my eyes are apparently wandering away from the main objective. I should really be listening to what is being discussed in this meeting. Anyway...

I just realized that there are things that I should've done but didn't, things I should've learned but ignored, processes I should've sparked but lacked the drive for - all because my eyes have looked away.

As a wise little green creature once said, "All his life all he did was look away...to the stars...Hmph...to the future. Not where he is. Not at what he is doing. Hmph."

Got that right. And right now, I'm paying the price for negligence. I have picked the apples in the basket that appealed to me, and ignored the rest to rot, never realizing that the whole basket is mine to take care of. I have been half-hearted for the longest time that now, ironically, ALL the apples are turning to rot despite my best efforts.

I have been immature. And today I hate the part of me that loves games.

Cancer is curable...

2005-09-07T10:46:00.000+08:00

Please tell that to my aunt who died three years ago from breast cancer while being only in her thirties. Tell her about the miracles of modern technology when after being chemically bombarded for 8 months in chemotherapy, she simply became a vegetable as one by one, her organs gave up on her. Tell her that the right doctors and a reasonable amount of money can cure her when she and her family scoured Laguna, Pangasinan and Zambales looking for herbalists and alternative medicine practitioners who can offer a cheaper cure.

Please tell that to the three children who are now growing up without a mother.

Yeah, cancer is SO curable.

The workings of the world

2005-09-05T07:57:00.000+08:00

So far, there are three men who have earned my utmost admiration and respect. Aside from my father and John Carmack, there is Paul Chase. Paul is a minister, preacher and head of the New Life church in Alabang. Although I do not go to his church and listen to him personally, I still ocassionally see him preach on TV. I admire him because of all the preachers I listened to, he was the only one who made perfect sense. No bullshit.

It has been years since I heard Paul Chase preach. My mother, who suprisingly found her way to his church, has always been trying to convince me to go with her to Alabang - to see and listen to Paul personally. Based on her stories, he is indeed as fiery and a very fine witness for Christ's words. But for some reason, I dared not go. The reasons for which I will disclose perhaps in a later blog.

Anyway, as I said, it has been literally years since I saw Paul on TV. And when I did finally see him a couple of weeks ago, I was shocked at his appearance. The lithe and athletic Paul is now an old man. His hair was completely white, his face wrinkled in a dozen places, his belly now bulging, and his hands withery and shaken. But despite all that, I can see in his eyes the same spirit that brought fire into my own. And rekindle that fire it did. As if he was talking to me personally, Paul once again spoke of the difference between living for the World and living for Christ.

This weekend I finally grabbed a copy of The 48 Laws of Power. I never had the money before to buy it but as expected, I was obviously intrigued with its contents. After reading the first few laws, I said to myself, "This is IT." If there should be a book that would serve as the embodiment of how one should live FOR the world, this book is it. I have to admit, the lessons there and the laws of power are indeed true, and if learned and used, could ultimately propel ANYONE to greater heights.

But to greater heights of what? To what end? Power? Wealth? Fame? A legacy to the world?

Coincidentally (I am so amazed at how fate chains events together), I caught a glimpse of the Count of Monte Cristo yesterday. There was a scene there where the Count's companion was telling him about how the young man he "rescued" was a fine, courageous young man yet so innocent that he did not deserve to be caught in the web the Count was about to spin. The count then said, "A means to an end."

Is it then possible for a man to live for the world, use the world's rules, play the world's game - to be able to accomplish a noble end? I wonder how God will judge in the end.

Will he truly judge the means by which one accomplished an end?

* You may be wondering why I posted a picture of Louis XIV. In The 48 Laws of Power, it is said that the workings of the entire world now is akin to how power is consumed and manipulated in the medieval courts of France.

Last chance

2005-09-02T16:09:00.000+08:00

I hate the fact that I am now playing on a console and STILL have to endure intermittent lags. I mean, for goodness sakes, the reason why I bought an Xbox in the first place is so I can enjoy playing games without performance degradation of any kind.

When playing the Onderon level in Knights of the Old Republic 2, the "teleport" behavior would occur. I would move my character in a particular direction and it would seem to be stuck. Then after a few seconds, it would pop or run towards that direction in a blaze of glory.

I've seen it happen in PCs. I cannot believe it could happen to me again - on the Xbox nonetheless. Call me a perfectionist but I expect consoles to perform well. Owning consoles is not having to worry about performance problems. If problems like this would still happen on consoles, then they should've allowed players to tweak the graphics settings.

I'll play KOTOR one last time tonight. If it I can't take it, then its the trash bin for that game.

Judging by the cover

2005-08-31T09:29:00.000+08:00

It is quite disheartening to realize that no matter how hard people try, they will always tend to judge by the image. Yeah, we all know that that is how the world works. But to see its manifestations, to see that that is the very basic rule of engagement in your very own workplace nonetheless, is something that will compel you to make that deepest of sighs and slump your lowest on your hydraulic chair.

I have always associated loudness of voice with assertiveness, something I got from my Dad. I must admit, it worked countless times for me. But I never used it to allow other people to perceive that I am something else that I am not.

It's sad really, that when you judge by the cover, you will never really see the hidden faults of a person that once realized would probably make you think twice.

Hidden -- like perhaps, inefficient code.

(Sama ko ba? Oh well...)

No condemnation

2005-08-30T07:59:00.000+08:00

I have always asked the question, "If God is so good, then why, in the final battle, would he condemn Satan and all the other people who did not accept him, to eternal damnation?". I mean, isn't that a little prejudiced in itself? Can't he just embrace everything, or better yet, just leave them be - no eternal paradise, but surely no eternal pain and suffering either. I mean, pardon my spiritual infancy when it comes to these sort of things but, how can a God who is supposed to be the embodiment of love, forgiveness and all things good, inflict suffering to those who simply did not understand?

Then it hit me. They DO understand. Their CHOICE to turn back on God sealed their fates.

But then why would they be condemned? Why would they feel pain? Why would they spend eternity in their own versions of hell?

Because in the end, the universe as God created it to be, is a universe ruled by justice. The reason why Jesus spoke of the beatitudes, why he said the meek shall inherit the earth, is because in response to all the suffering caused by the chaotic system of man, God will see to it that those who suffered unjustly will be relieved of such pains in the next life - or at least in the next level of existence.

There would be hell, and EVIL will be condemned because the mother who lost a child to senseless rape and murder, the man who lost love in his wife's blatant acts of adultery, the father who lost his only child to a stray bullet -- because these people and more like them, deserves, not vengeance, but a sense of right, a sense of justice that the universe will ultimately seek retribution for them.

The quiet voice speaks

2005-08-24T19:51:00.000+08:00

Why do you let these people stop you from doing what you need to do and becoming what you're destined to be? Time is precious and the world is for the taking. Why waste your time waiting for these people to catch up to what you know? Granted, you may not know everything, but you know ENOUGH - enough for you to be able to steer the ship yourself. You will at times steer the ship in rocky reefs and put a hole or two in the hull, sure, but these will be YOUR mistakes. Mistakes that only YOU can learn from.

What the hell is stopping you? Time is running out. The future is a moving target, and obviously these people are too busy with other things that they perceive to be more important for them to move with you, let alone THINK like you do. Haven't you given this enough time already? Haven't you given yourself enough time and effort to observe how and where they want to take this? Even if they do act now, it will take MUCH MORE time for them to match wavelengths with you.

You have studied the business - no, you literally LIVED the business directly and indirectly - for the last couple of years. It's time you take the rein and control your destiny. You cannot afford to wait another year. (By god, you're pushing 30.)

LEARN TO DISCARD. Discard people who refuse to help themselves. You do not have a reason to reach down and pull them up if they are not interested to make the journey in the first place. On the other hand, EMBRACE THOSE WHO SHARE YOUR VISION. Together, you are a FORCE to be reckoned with.

Remember, solutions are always best solved by the ones who are closest to the problem. And these people whom you've let take control of you, are the farthest from the problem.

Cut your losses and MOVE AHEAD.

Pop quiz, hotshot.

2005-08-24T19:36:00.000+08:00

Question
You have been tasked with designing the object architecture for an adventure game. The first room in the adventure game involves the player situated in a room with a pouch of gold coins on a bed, a glass flask, and a wooden chest. Taking the concept of interface inheritance, what functionalities or behaviors would you assign to the pouch, flask, and the chest?

Solution:
Upon careful analysis of the behaviors of the tokens mentioned, you can presume that these tokens share a common behavior and that is being able to serve as containers for other tokens. In addition, the player may be able to carry some of these tokens, and not others (due to bulk, weight, and so on). So a possible interface inheritance implementation would be to have the tokens for the pouch, the flask, and the chest derived from an IContainer interface class. The IContainer interface class would implement all functionalities of a container: opening, closing, putting in an item, and pulling out an item. The flask and the pouch may further implement an ICarry interface class that implements the functionality where an object derived from it can be added to the player’s inventory.

Somewhere else

2005-08-24T18:41:00.000+08:00

Somehow, I backed up the files of Willie, one of our old game programmers. These files were backed up in my old desktop workstation and curiously found its way to this laptop. I was so tired from the day's work and pressures that I found myself browsing through some of those stuff of his that I saved. I found this article about ray lighting.

I didn't even know how to begin to understand the whole thing but as I looked at the data structures I just got hit by this extreme sadness. I really really wish I'm learning and programming these things. Shadows. Lighting. Geometry. Tangents. How is it that no matter hard I try, the directions I chose, the decisions I make seem to prevent me from doing what I wanna do. Or is it that I change what I want to do too damn much?

Yes, that may be true. I've had my sudden rekindling of my passions for art; I took up painting and all. And yes, I still paint at home. I figured this is really one facet of my life that I could not just abandon - an essential part of the whole. But just recently I realized that nothing will douse the flames of my passion to program games.

And this article on ray lighting, too complex as it is for me, made me wonder just WHEN will I finally be able to work at this level. I'm TRYING VERY HARD to find time to program at home, to work on homebrew projects so somehow I can whip up a worthy demo. But I'm too exhausted at the end of the day to do it. I guess this is why I've always wanted to work on game programming as a day job -- because I know I'd still need my 8 hours of sleep.

I'm here to do just that but progress, my progress in terms of skills, have been slow. Too many reasons why that is so. Too many things to blame, but largely the blame is on me.

I need to be somewhere else - somewhere where I can simply study why and how you can make Mario jump.

Sekyu

2005-08-24T14:19:00.000+08:00

This is one of those blogs that I saved in my head hoping to get the chance to actually write it here. This IS that chance - to hell with it being 2:30 PM.

Every Sunday I go out and commute to Grish's place. I take an ordinary bus and the MRT. I don't know how often you ride ordinary buses, or even if you still do, or if you've EVER dared to ride in one. The fact is, its a mix of frustration and amusement for me. But that particular day, things were really just plain wrong. You could literally feel the negative emotions (negative "emotions" - WTF?!) in the bus; people pushing each other to get seats, parents cursing their children (TANGINA KA, DI KA UUPO?! DUN KA! AYAN! TATANGA-TANGA KASI!), people who would look at you suspiciously not knowing that THEY'RE the ones that look suspicious, and of course, the conductor who doesn't have the decency to return my 2-peso change.

And people wonder why the Philippines is in such a rut. I mean, it's not rocket science. It's plain to see that people here do not care about each other. There is no respect and compassion in our society. Before I would just rationalize that maybe it's because these people are poor...yeah, it's poverty. If they had money, they'd had opportunities to go to good schools, live in good environments, and what not.

But for goodness sakes, you don't need money to figure out that you shouldn't curse at your child.

I always compare Manila with Singapore. I mean, could it be because I'm just a tourist that I feel so different there? People there are so accomodating and friendly - not just the hotel staff, but the actual people in the streets. They always seem to have time to help strangers out. Could I have just been so naive? Maybe...but I sure as hell would rather ride THEIR buses.

That day I resigned myself to the fact that this country will never ever get out of the tar pits. And that is precisely why I should work my ass off so that someday, I and my future family would get out of this god-forsaken country.

God-forsaken?

That afternoon I rode an ordinary bus again. Two feet away from me, a man was preaching the gospel. There were not a lot of people in the bus that time; I think there were only twelve of us. But the man kept of preaching. I'm not really sure but I don't really look at these people straight in the eye. Fear of conversion? Maybe. But just the same, like the all other cases before, I looked outside, across the window. However, the stresses of my life, and the full physical exhaustion after a week's worth made me listen to what the man was saying. Listening, but still looking away. Somehow, I sensed something different about him. He wore shiny black leather shoes, blue formal pants, and a light blue barong. Surprisingly, he wasn't even holding a Bible. He was beginning to talk about how everyone should re-evaluate their lives and give their lives back to the Lord. He told the story of how God's power was manifested in his life - that before, he was just a construction worker. But now, "BINIGYAN PO AKO NG PANGINOON NG MAGANDANG TRABAHO...".

I'm such an evil person and I don't know how I came to be this cynical but I thought, "TINGNAN NATIN KUNG GAANO TALAGA KAGANDA YUNG BAGONG TRABAHO..."

The man continued, "NGAYON PO, ISA NA AKONG SECURITY GUARD."

Reaction 1: "PSH. GUARD LANG PALA E."
Reaction 2: "GUARD NA NANGANGARAL?"
Reaction 3:`"SHIT, ANG SAMA KO. SHEMPRE PARA SA KANYA, MAGANDANG BIYAYA YUN". And here I am, with my complaints abut every possible little thing reaching up to heaven.

Seconds later, I thought back about Reaction # 2. So I took a second look at his pants, and yes, they actually were a security guard's pants.

"HINDI PO AKO NANGHIHINGI NG KAHIT ANO PO SA INYO. DI PO KATULAD NG IBANG NANGANGARAL SA BUS. ANG HILING KO LANG PO, AT KAPALIT NA LAMANG PO NG PAGSASALITA KONG ITO, HINIHILING KO LAMANG PO NA PAG-ISIPAN NYO PO ANG BUHAY NYO. AT KUNG MAARI AY MAGBALIK-LOOB NA TAYO SA KANYA."

The bus just reached my stop and I had to go down. As I stood up from my seat and looked back, the bus was almost empty - he was only preaching now to four of us, including the driver and the conductor. And even then, he did not stop preaching...and I still heard his voice as I walked away.

God has never, and will never, forsake this land.

It's a Friday so let me blog

2005-07-22T14:36:00.000+08:00

The easiest way to determine what to do for the rest of your life is find out that one thing that you do that allows you to forget the passing of time. And after doing that thing, you can sit back and tell yourself proudly that it was time well spent - well, then THAT is what you should spent 8 hours a days working on.

If only life is so easy that people could just adopt this simple philosophy. But alas, as Plato once surmised, this cannot be so...

Ouch

2005-05-12T21:51:00.000+08:00

My girlfriend is my very best friend in the whole wide world. She tirelessly gives the utmost support and faith that I need and cherish, especially at this point in my life that I am trying to get a grip on what I really want and living through some of the consequences of bad, rash decisions.

But there are times that she too must take a deep breath and scold me for my apparent lack of direction. Now I know what's more painful than getting frustrated at yourself - it's your loved ones getting frustrated at you.

And I perfectly understand her.

The revelation of my new plans has brought silent responses from friends, in the same manner and degree that some of them cheered that it is the right thing to do. I should really learn to just shut my mouth up whenever I plan to do something. I find that it really minimizes the damage - and the expectations.

Time for Act 2

2005-05-08T18:09:00.000+08:00

Maybe it's time for my second act. Time to do what I really want to do. Jump into that career that I should've focused on in the first place.

Call it coincidence or divine providence but I found this book entitled, "Second Acts" written by Stephen Pollan and Mark Levine. It talks about how life, or rather a life that is led to the fullest, seem to involve cycles of continuous reinventions. The fact of the matter is there are a number of successful people who have made their greatest contributions and reached their fullest potentials in their second acts. J.K. Rowling was an English teacher before she became an author. Tom Clancy was an insurance broker who just happened to be a military buff. And we all know what Ronald Reagan's first act was.

This will involve a lot of thought and planning, but I'm sure as hell am taking that road.

Repeat Chorus

2005-05-04T18:30:00.000+08:00

Everyday at this hour it's the same. I know the themes of my blogs have been consistently depressing. I can't even figure out if the problem lies with me, with something else, or a mix of both.

Things are just too freaking overwhelming. It saps my strength when I realize that I have not been attending to some things which I should've, while at the same time, I know that I've really been doing my best and making the most out of the 8 hours that I spend here.

But things are just too freaking MANY.

I can't even find the time to do my own work. Cold sweat hits me whenever I begin to see the consequences of failing to complete this.

This is too much scoping, too much micro-management, too much monitoring, too much people handling, too much projects, too much considerations, too much people issues, too much potential revenue streams, too much things to do - for any one person to assume.

I don't think I am a good manager. And I know me and my people don't need this kind of attitude right now.

But I sure as hell am tired.

God, help me pick the pieces up.

Just once

2005-04-29T23:52:00.000+08:00

I MADE A BIG MISTAKE. I WANT MY OLD JOB BACK.

There. I said it.

You really can't blame me, can you? Now back to reality, maturity and dealing with choices.

Laban!

Peace of work

2005-04-29T23:22:00.000+08:00

An escape from my seemingly persistent quarter-life crisis continuously eludes me. I have recognized this crisis at the moment I realized that I fail to be contented anymore at what I do and where I am in my life. I felt that somewhere during all of these years, I changed course from what I really aspired myself to become.

If this kind of life is not what I wanted, then how can I know what IS the life I've always wanted? At what point in my life were my aspirations and ambitions at their purest - devoid of influence from external factors. When is that point in my life when I simply aspired to Be without looking at any other person's experiences, without comparing myself to what others achieved, without the taint of materialism, nor the illusion that I need to do This or have That just to be happy and content.

I would have to say that the point in my history that I am looking for is that time between my college graduation and my first job. At that time, I didn't aspire to be "at the top". I never had desires then of being a manager, of leading a team, of getting certified, or even being famous and respected. What I simply wanted then was to have a job that I'd be happy to do. I was able to identify that kind of work at that time. It was simply to be a web designer. In September of 1998, I wasn't a programmer. Although I finished computer science, I was not a hard-core programmer. In fact, I was bad at it. (I cannot even tell if I really have improved over the years.) I recognized this fact and was okay with it. Believe it or not, despite the fact that I was surrounded by my peers who were exceptional with code, that didn't bother me. I never once compared myself with them, because I knew that I possessed a unique talent in the batch. I alone can design the most eye-catching websites. At that time, the Internet in the Philippines was at its infancy and web design was still an esoteric art, so to speak. DHTML was unheard of yet. But at that time, I was confident. I was driven. I knew my place and I knew what I can do.

I was a graphics guy. I practically did a 3D scene of a gallery in the National Museum. My expertise was in digital art.

And yet where am I now? What has lead me to this situation? What made me become a programmer?

I applied in Zeus Technologies as a web developer, without the awareness of the distinction between a web developer and a web designer. When I stepped into that company, there was already an artist on board and I was asked to work with him. Since he was supposed to do the visuals, I was left to do the HTML code and the scripting. October 1998. In that year, my direction skewed without even realizing it.

From then on, I either got assigned to do programming work (Perl was not entirely bad) or just volunteered for the programming aspect of projects. I still managed to do some design work once in a while but I failed to realize that little by little, the current is taking my boat into a different direction altogether. I let myself stay in that course, thinking that it is the best option where I can have a better future. This notion of a better future was at that time influenced by my comparison of myself to my other peers who got programming jobs at big companies, to people who've had earned certifications, to people who went abroad because of their programming skills. In other words, I completely turned my back on what I wanted to do, and set my sights to do what I think I SHOULD be doing.

I remember when I used to chat with Anna. She once asked me why is it that I chose to be a web developer (less programming work at that time, despite the title). I told her that this is the kind of job that I'd be happy to do for free. Now, I can't say the same thing for what I do. Despite the salary, the respect, the status, the authority -- despite all of those things, I still can't seem to make myself say that what I'm doing now, I'd be glad to do for free.

Doing something you'd be happy to do for free? Is that a delusion brought about by innocence? By inexperience? Whatever it is, all I know is that in the past 7 years since that time, I've never known or felt that feeling again.

And that is what is troubling me.

Since that time, I've oftentimes looked back and asked what if. I have happened to visit web sites of remarkable web designers and graphic artists, and even worked with the some of the best. At those times, I never failed to look back, ask, and even dream -- what if I go graphics again?

Now I wonder if it is too late. Sometimes I feel that all of this is just one of those manifestations of my immaturity and my inability to stick to one thing. One part of me hates myself that this might be true. But another part of me rationalizes that there is a possibility that the reason why I can't find "peace of work" is because I left my calling in the first place.

Today, I found in the forums of IGDA, an 40-year old, retired ex-Marine (US) who is studying 3D Studio, Photoshop and Maya just to get into game visual arts. I mean, that is simply inspiring. At 28, I am feeling that I am running out of time; that if I do get back into graphics, I'd have to learn all of that stuff again. And it will be hard work. And what kind of work will I get afterwards? How can I give up where I am now?

And yet this guy had the guts and determination to do something extraordinary. It doesn't matter if he succeeds or not. What matters is he found the courage to turn the steering wheel of his life into a direction he thinks he should go to.

And I hope I can find that same courage, too.

Not the Same

2005-03-31T08:55:00.000+08:00

I just saw the latest shots for Unreal Tournament (they call it 2006) this morning. Normally, in my excitement and elation, I would pop-up my Outlook, grab the screen and send it to the hard-core game enthusiasts here at work.

And yet I found myself frozen when I found out I have no one to send it to. Well, in fairness to the others still here, not really "NO ONE". But in the past, without second thoughts, my mailing list would comprise mainly of Paul, Mark, Aldrin, Willy, and Parks.

And now they're gone.

I guess no matter how one would look at it, Spoon is dead. It will be a hell of an effort to prove that this death can be likened to that of a phoenix and not like a real, final death. I am glad that there are still people who believe that despite what happened, after the dust has settled, ContentDev (at least, the creative team that is ContentDev) can get up again on its own two feet.

Debbie has mentioned about believing in something that sadly, the company you work for doesn't even see or believe in. Right now, I don't know if the top brass is still expecting the same kind of creativity and passion this team once had. I'm just wondering how could they, when they just idly watched most of our people go away.

This is too depressing. But this is the only venue where I shed my depression. Outside of the blog, I try to look and sound confident, bold, dedicated, driven, pumped with hot iron - living the dream that one day, we will make games again.

I hold to that dream with all of my remaining strength.

But really, things are not fucking the same here.

Dealing with reality

2005-02-02T22:13:00.000+08:00

A lot of people have a problem with self-examination. Most people are afraid to look at themselves and carefully assess which of the truths they are basing their lives on are exactly true or just lies they built up. Some are just plain afraid of what they might find. I am usually one of those people.

I realized that I am re-venturing into something that I have altogether left 6 months ago. But now, due to unforeseen circumstances, I am back in the game (no pun intended) and this time to stay for good. But before I do that, I just thought that I'd do a self-assessment so I would know where I am starting from --- this time around.

I have always considered myself as a game developer but in reality, it has been close to 8 months since I wrote lines of code for an actual game. During my stint as a game developer in Spoon, I was only able to develop three games. And truthfully, the games I did declined in quality as I went along. TS was very groundbreaking. P was executed but not perfectly. The Series 40 version had a lot of bugs and looking back, there are a lot of game programming principles which should've been applied to the game but were not either due to lack of time or lack of awareness that such techniques exist. LR was a disaster. It was a very very humbling experience and took forever to complete (the first volume). A lot of lessons were hard learned in the production of that game, and there is a part of me that wants to redo that game and redeem it --- at least for the sake of PixelCharlie who worked very hard in the game design and graphics.

With those games, my skills in mobile game dev are rather fragmented to say the least. Although TS and LR run on the SEP800/P900s, they were developed using PersonalJava --- not exactly mainstream game development language. P was in MIDP, but it was such a long time ago that I basically forgot the things I learned there.

So if I were to assess:

TECHNIQUES:

2D sprite animation - 6/10: My sprites are not optimal. I just know there is a way to represent and display images in code that would be very efficient.
Tile maps - 7/10: Not perfected dynamic map generation
Scrolling - 6/10: Map scrolling only, no side-scrolling engine yet
Threading - 7/10: Got this right in LR.
Memory management - 6/10: Needs work
OOP - 7/10: A lot of this was due to TS and LR
Audio - 2/10: Lacking in experience and knowledge

LANGUAGES:

J2ME MIDP 1.0 - 7/10: Needs refreshing
J2ME MIDP 2.0 - 0/10: No experience
Symbian C++ - 0/10: No experience
PersonalJava - 8/10: Substantial; Helps my core Java knowledge but I know this will be phased out soon
BREW - 0/10
Mophun - 0/10
embedded C++ / WinCE - 1/10 : I've read some code snippets haha.

NEXT-GEN:

3D - Software Rendering - 0/10
3D - Hardware Rendering - 0/10
Bluetooth - 0/10
SIP - 0/10

So if my passing score is 7, the items in BOLD are the only things I could say I am proficient in. Or rather:

9 up = Excellent
7 = Needs refresh
6 = Needs more practice
5 below = Needs springboard

This is a far cry from what I declare in my resume. Har. At least now I know what I need to work on. All I need now is a development track and I'm on my way.

Being drawn and quartered

2005-02-02T06:42:00.000+08:00

I feel like being drawn and quartered.

I just recently found out that "drawing and quartering" (?) involves tying ropes on a man's forearms and legs and then have four horses go in separate directions, pulling the man and eventually tearing him apart --- in four neat pieces.

That's what I'm feeling now. The stress of processing my resignation from Intel, thinking about the problems back at Cube, the problems with NIIT (one author suddenly quit), the fact that I bought all these programming books and never got to read them....all of these are pulling me in several separate directions all at the same freakin' time.

But thank god for Linkin Park.

I have two weeks (actually more like 10 days) before I will let myself face the problems back at Cube. Until then, I'm just gonna have to focus on the NIIT problem and my resignation. Figuring out my programming track will just have to fit in when in my idle times in the bus and the shower.

Life.

Too bad you're not reading this

2005-01-24T21:02:00.000+08:00

Because at the time of this writing, you are in the process of losing two of the best web designers in the Philippine web industry (one of which is a genius at game design) and the most professional marketing officer I've ever had the pleasure of working with.

Open your eyes and give me the strongest of reasons how you can possibly let go of the people who practically served as the foundations of the company you are trying to sustain. These people are practically institutions in their own right. How can you even let go of these people to whom the industry has always given praise and recognition year after year?

Tell me why is it that you cannot seem to coincide business initiatives with your people's personal growth? Forgive me but the phrase, "people come and go" is just plain bullshit. People come and go, yes, BUT IT HAPPENS TOO DAMN MUCH IN THIS COMPANY! Nobody MATURES in the company! When was the last time you asked your people if they still are willing to spend the peak of their professional lives there?!

For Pete's sake, stop people from leaving...My coming back cannot even counter, not by an ounce, the talent, dedication and commitment that you will lose for good.

My darkest secret

2005-01-24T20:43:00.000+08:00

My colleague at work approached me and asked, "Hey, where did you get your wallpaper software?"

"What wallpaper software?", I quipped.

"You know, the one that allows you to have your wallpaper change automatically everyday? Like, it can change every hour or every 30 minutes, too, right?"

Fact of the matter is, although I know there ARE programs that control wallpapers, I do not use one. The truth is, I simply get tired of my wallpaper much too quickly. There are even instances when I'd change my wallpaper three times a day.

(And if you notice, I change blog templates every month.)

Amusingly, this is the first time I realized how bad this habit is. I don't know what's wrong with me. It's just that I feel like I'm on this quest to find the best wallpaper; and then when I find it, I change it to whatever strikes my fancy anew. My choice of wallpapers range from anime, games, NASA pictures, Star Trek, Star Wars....the list goes on. Basically, whatever I'm engaged on, whatever I'm working on, whatever game I'm currently playing, I'd like my wallpaper to be themed after it.

On my first day at Intel, I got an Intel logo and an Intel ad. When I was playing KOTOR, my desktop would show a wallpaper of the area/planet I'm currently on.

It gets so serious sometimes that there are days I spend over an hour just trying to browse Google's Image search function --- looking for 1024x768 images. You can just imagine how big my "My Pictures" folder is. When I was in ePLDT, all the images are stashed there. But now, hey, I improved. All my wallpapers are neatly organized into categorized folders.

Sometimes I wonder if this is just the tip of the iceberg --- that deep down, I'm psychologically distorted, flawed, and this lack of attention/focus/contentment to so a simple matter as a desktop wallpaper could be a manifestation of something more destructive.

Woooooo.....

I guess Grish is right. I do have ADHD.* Cool.

* Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder.

Happy Premise # 1

2005-01-20T22:24:00.000+08:00

In lukewarm ponds and shallow pools
Under the asses and hats of fools
To lush bushes and frosted dales
Or noisy bars with age-old ales

Moved mountains of earth and upturned stones
Entered tombs and rattled ancient bones
Trekked the chilly forest of fogged hills
Braved deep waters of shark and eels

Circled the world three times and back
Never in a moment I thought to slack
For if ever my lifelong search will be in vain
My pride and joy I have still to gain

For where have you gone to, words of my spirit?
My pen has been idle and long without merit
Just when I regained what was lost long before
Would you again seek to leave me once more?

No rants

2004-12-29T07:32:00.000+08:00

I would hate this blog to become a rant fest. When I was in college I seem to despise people who appear to have lost their grip on their lives, wallowing their angst from simple escape mechanisms like smoking to the gruesome slicing of their own forearm skin with a shaving blade. I guess now I look back at these people and feel pity for them --- thinking what I could've done. For a time, I joined the company of these lonely souls although no, I did not cut any part of myself. Fortunately I didn't have a very devastating, life-shattering event to justify such an act. But obviously, these people have become devoid of hope at such an early point in their lives. And now I try to recall what has become of them. One of them, I believe, went on to become a single mother.

If I was the man I was 10 years ago, I would've smirked and say that that was bound to happen. But right now, I don't know. The objective side of me would begin to psychoanalyze the reasons why such a thing could have happened. But the human side of me just reaches out to her. I would bet it's tough to raise a child alone, struggling to start (and restart) a career while the rest of your peers and friends are either successful abroad or leading very blessed lives. I wonder if it ever came to a point when she looked at her newborn child and for that split-second, decided on whether this child was God's blessing to her, or His curse and punishment.

Sadly, three single mothers every week in Manila thinks the latter about their newborns.

Makes you wonder about God's enormous capacity to love and forgive. And it makes ME wonder about MY own faults and the amount of grace that God continuously pours on me so as to keep me on this earth.

So I guess I would rather have people (and myself) rant away rather than do something more regretful.

Dazed and confused

2004-12-27T20:45:00.000+08:00

Another month without an entry.

I seem to have lost my bearings lately. I can't seem to get my life back on track. Before, I seem to have lost interest in many things and I was beginning to feel that I have been wasting my time with a lot of things that I have been doing. Somehow I just feel like everything I do lacks this certain kind of purpose.

You might say that every few weeks I am hit with the melancholy of a quarter-life crisis. Considering that most people die in their sixties nowadays, you might call it a mid-life crisis all the same.

My dad's recent heart attack has put another pound or two of pressure over my back. I really hope I can live up to being the breadwinner with all this confusion in my head.

It's just that at this point, I don't know what to do, and I have so much I think I should do and I think I don't have time to do them all and I don't even know where to begin --- all at the same time.

It's the frustration of being 28 without having a established a career of some sort, wishing that you should've picked a more simpler profession like being a doctor or a lawyer where your path is all laid out for you.

It's knowing that your 6-plus years of professional experiences amounted to you being back at square one at a company you should've joined when you were still fresh out of college, which you didn't do because you were so hyped up about "getting experience" and "making a difference".

It's knowing that the Internet has merely become a venue for you to read web comics daily and has become the continued cause of procrastination and distraction at work; instead of being the "untapped media" you so proudly proclaimed before, and with websites that you dreamed of designing for a living.

It's remembering yourself 6 years ago when you were still a young web developer when you said that you were being paid to do something you'd rather do for free.

It's knowing that your first dream job of getting into web design is now shattered in the cliffs of reality when you realize that almost every one with an artistic sense wants and are web designers and everyone is scrambling for what little jobs the local industry has for them.

It's the realization that like being stranded in an ocean with only wooden planks to hold on to you held on to the web design plank, then to web development, then to database administration, then to technical management, then back to web development, then to mobile game development, then back to web development again --- all just to stay afloat.

It's the frustration that everything has been wooden planks and there seems to be no rowboat in sight.

It's that evil grin at the back of your head that says you just might need a dose of positive thinking to turn things around and it's that simple you think you are so stupid for not realizing it.